Who the hell is writing the Election 2016 script?
Honestly, this election has had more unbelievable twists than "Pretty Little Liars."
It jumped the shark a year ago, when a clownish reality TV star said he would ban all Muslims from entering the country, but then it just kept going, like "Jane the Virgin" on acid.
I mean, SERIOUSLY NOW?
I watch a lot of terrible TV, but this has broken my brain far more than Bart Bass's ridiculous season 6 return on "Gossip Girl."
OK Svokos, calm down and tell us what happened.
Except what really happened, we now know at 4 pm EST, is that FBI Director James Comey wrote the most misleading memo of all time.
First of all, the investigation was not "reopened," because it never was official "closed." They just found a bunch of new emails that seem related to the Clinton case.
Second of all, as it turns out, the emails did not come from Clinton or her server.
The emails the FBI found were discovered in the course of investigating Anthony Weiner for sexting a teenager.
NO, YEAH, FOR REAL, THIS IS WHERE WE'RE AT.
My brain has withstood quite a bit over the past 18 months, but I think this is what officially did it in.
Anthony freaking Weiner's freaking sexting habit has become a major political story with the potential to affect the course of AMERICA.
SVOKOS, SERIOUSLY, you need to explain this more.
That was like the 80th time Weiner has been caught sexting. But this time it was extra disgusting.
Weiner has been married to Huma Abedin, close longtime aide of Clinton. After this latest scandal was unveiled, however, she announced that she is separating. Frickin' finally, Huma.
The sexts that were unveiled included pictures Weiner sent while he was in bed with his young son. And ANOTHER one of the unveiled sexting scandals revealed he was sexting with A TEENAGER.
So the FBI started investigating.
And apparently they found something.
But not something explicitly about Weiner.
When this news came to light, everyone just gave up and lost their shit.
Because this election has officially become worse than a ridiculous television show.
Although it is following several noteworthy narrative trends.
For one, the election narrative finally made use of a silly subplot -- and right in time for the season finale.
And everyone tried to seem smart with dat Chekhov reference.
Chekhov's gun is a plot rule that if you introduce a gun in the first act, it has to go off in the last act.
So in this case, Weiner's emails being uncovered this summer -- the earlyish days of the general election -- mean they have to come back to a big effect in the final act -- less than two weeks before the election.
In a weird twist of fate, this news means that Donald Trump was actually right about something.
Back when Huma announced the separation, Trump hinted that if Weiner was so bad at keeping sexts safe, he probably didn't keep government information safe.
And then there was this tweet:
Which, like, fine. Conspiracy Theorist Extraordinaire Trump had a good prediction there.
And we can only imagine what is going on in the minds of Clinton and Abedin right now.
Probably something like this:
So I guess thank you, Anthony Weiner, for showing us just how much of a joke American politics can be.
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Citations: New York Times