Uses For Your Eclipse Glasses After The Eclipse That Are Definitely Valid
Let me take you on a journey of how today probably went for you: You woke up this morning, pressed snooze four times, and then immediately checked your phone for notifications like the slave to technology you and I both are. You opened up Twitter, and behold, you remembered the most important part of today: the 2017 solar eclipse.
As you anxiously awaited the moment the eclipse would reach its peak, you held your eclipse glasses in your hand, turned them over a few times, wondering, "What the hell are some uses for eclipse glasses after eclipse happens?" I mean, you bought five pair. (You can never be too careful.) Was the money you spent completely wasted — money that could've gone to a quality Seamless order or the cover for the bar you know you'll black out at this weekend?
Regardless, you forged ahead. You ran outside to join the masses as the eclipse darkens this cold world. You proudly placed those eclipse glasses on your glistening face, ready to take in the wonders of our world. And then, three minutes later... you were hella over that sh*t. Let's be real: You thought the eclipse was fun for 2.5 seconds, and now, you have a headache, three sh*tty pictures of a bright blob on your phone, and a zillion pairs of eclipse glasses you don't know what to do with.
But luckily for you, my friend, I have some definitely valid uses for those eclipse glasses that I have totally done myself and definitely didn't make up just now — all for you, you lucky Earth dweller.
1. You can use them to look at the sun literally every other day of the year... you know, if you wanna do that.
2. You can use them to block out the haters.
3. You can use them to pretend like the person you hate that's standing in front of you isn't actually there.
4. You can use them as part of your "I'm someone who really, genuinely loves eclipses" Halloween costume.
5. You can use them for your Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century Halloween costume.
6. You can give them to your mom when you forget to buy a mother's day present. (Sorry, mom.)
7. You can give them to all your friends for their birthdays so you don't have to spend money on their gifts. (Sorry, friends.)
8. You can put them on when you run into your ex so you can literally not see them.
9. Actually, you could just mail them to your ex instead with a note that says "these are useless, just like you."
10. You can wear them tucked onto your shirt all the time to let everyone know that you watched the eclipse and you lived to tell the tale.
11. You can totally put them in the scrapbook with all of the other concert ticket stubs and memorabilia you definitely said you were gonna scrapbook but that have actually been lying around your room for three years.
12. If you're, like, ever in another situation where you could potentially go blind from a super intense light shining in your eyes, just pop those babies back on.
13. You definitely don't need blindfolds for anything anymore, because you can just use your eclipse glasses.
14. You can pop these suckers on your face if you have pink eye or something and don't want anyone to see your puss-filled eye.
15. You can pair these with tons of your favorite iridescent products and transform into the goddamn moon child you were always meant to be.
16. You can make a shrine to all things extraterrestrial and make your eclipse glasses part of your offering to the sun and moon gods so they can beam you back to your rightful place in space, where you belong.
17. You can write your name on them and pretend they are your very own brand of eclipse eyewear that'll make you so famous, you'll be sponsored by Fit Tea in no time.
18. When you get a message you don't wanna see, you can just put these on and you won't be able to see it.
19. You can wear them three weeks from now, and Instagram a picture of yourself wearing them, with the caption, "Lol, remember when I looked like this for five minutes" — the ultimate #TBT.
20. Instead of your dumb $5 sunglasses from Target, you can wear these every day and not give a sh*t when you bump into people everywhere because YOU SURVIVED THE 2017 ECLIPSE, GOD DAMNIT.
21. You can propose to your fiancé with these dope glasses instead of a ring since rings are for schmucks, and you already have these glasses, so why buy a ring anyway?
22. You can use them as something to put under the leg of a table when it's shaky.
23. You can wipe your hands on them when the Seamless delivery guy forgot to bring you napkins.
24. If you take the protective lenses out, you can recycle them since, you know, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND OUR PLANET IS DYING AND STUFF.
25. Advertise a "mystery box" on eBay, sell it for an obscene amount of money, and fill it with these dumb eclipse glasses.
26. Put them on you dog and then laugh because how funny would a dog look in eclipse glasses? That sh*t is Quality Content.
27. Wear them when you go try on clothes at the mall so you never have to see yourself in horrendous fitting room lighting ever again.
28. Make your friends wear them and then make fun of them for wearing them.
29. Wear them if you're on a date with someone really... not great looking... but you still wanna give them a chance.
30. Keep them until the apocalypse and wear them as you sip iced tea on your front porch so you look calm, cool, and collected as the world burns around you and everyone screams in panic.
31. You can save them for the 2024 eclipse and not shut up about how "back in your day, this is what we had to watch the eclipse with" while everyone around you says, "You're literally not that old."
Don't let these babies go to waste, you guys. You need them. And they need you.