48 Sobering Truths You Learn When You Party Without Drinking
Like studying abroad or meditating in an endless field (Do those exist? lmk), going out sober can be an extremely profound and enlightening experience.
Suddenly you see all of your wild, drunken nights on the town for what they really were: gross, sloppy messes. You see your friends doing embarrassing sh*t, and as much as you want to mock them, you know deep down that you have no right.
Because you too have been the blacked-out girl who is sloppily making out with the current love of her life on the dance floor. Or the one who ordered Taco Bell and engulfed it in one sitting. Or the one who cried when her less-drunk friends told her that she was drunk. Okay, you get the picture here.
One sober night out with your friends exposes all of your drunk nights for what they really were. So here are the 48 truths you learn from going out sober:
1. That drunk people get extremely offended when you tell them they are drunk.
2. That you are sort of like a powerful goddess -- in that you hold all of your friends’ memories from the night.
3. That people become significantly less attractive as the night goes on (think: sloppy buns with yack-lined hair).
4. That people are really, really not as funny as they think they are.
5. That you're still falling over all the time.
6. That you do not necessarily need to be drunk to feel drunk.
7. That PDA is never as low-key as people think it is.
8. That those hot guys your friends are talking to are actually ugly and super creepy.
9. That your friends are *those* girls (the annoying, drunk ones).
10. That people-watching is PRIME when you are coherent enough to notice the ridiculous idiots surrounding you.
11. That even just the smell of a shot is f*cking disgusting.
12. That every song sounds the same (mellow… mellow… BEAT DROPS).
13. That you actually really need to be drunk for some of this sh*t.
14. …That you might have a drinking problem…?!
15. That flirting sober is EXTREMELY awkward, and maybe your sober self might be an asexual robot?
16. That f*cking with drunk people is so easy and possibly even more fun than actually being drunk.
17. That your sobriety makes drunk people super uncomfortable, and they feel the need to say, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry -- we are probably being SO annoying right now!”
18. That saying “I’m so sorry -- we are probably being SO annoying right now!” is probably the most annoying thing they could ever do.
19. That you will not be hungover the next morning, and that will rock.
20. That you will save about five million dollars and calories on drinking and drunk eats.
21. That clubs are actually WAY more fun while sober than drunk.
22. …That you might actually have a real passion for dance (like, there is no way that soberly dancing at this random club is actually THIS much fun, is there!?).
23. That bars are actually WAY less fun when you're sober, because you are forced to actually engage in verbal interactions with drunk idiots.
24. That wearing heels is suddenly SO painful and can actually ruin your night.
25. That you are actually very self-conscious and suddenly incredibly aware of literally everything you do or say.
26. That people waste ABSURD amounts of money on nights out.
27. That you no longer have a liquid jacket to keep you warm. (F*ck, I really should have brought a jacket.)
28. That you are actually very punctual.
29. That you know a little too well how to care for someone with possible alcohol poisoning.
30. That everyone around you is crying about being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way.
31. That some (read: most) of your friends are not as over their exes as they pretend to be.
33. That some of your friends will actually try to show off their (non-existent) singing talent at karaoke, and it will be very awkward.
34. That your friends look absolutely HILARIOUS when they are trying to be sexy.
35. That watching your friends “flirt” is one of the most hilarious AND painful experiences.
36. That, apparently, pointing to the camera with a wide-open-mouth smile in pictures is supposed to be a universal sign for “I party.”
37. That what people drunkenly consider a “heart-to-heart” is actually just a lot of incoherent, slurred rambling about their exes and telling their friends how much they love them.
38. That people get some gnarly pit stains.
39. That your sobriety somehow just signed you up as chauffeur for the night.
40. That the sh*t people fight over when they are drunk is so incredibly stupid.
41. That there comes a time in a drunk argument when people really have no idea what they are saying and/or fighting about, but it continues anyways.
42. That the romantic, night-long fairytale your friend seems to think she is in the middle of is actually just her making out on the dance floor with some pervy dude she's barely said three words to.
43. That there is no such thing as a low-key make out on the dance floor.
44. That grinding is just never a good idea.
45. That there is a difference between your drunk friends and your pretending-to-be-drunk friends, and you're really having a hard time deciding which one is more annoying.
46. That strangers suddenly find it appropriate to tell you their deepest, darkest secrets while in line for the bathroom… Um, I’m sorry, but could you tell me your first name before we get into your relationship with your estranged mother?!
47. That bars actually smell like a repulsive mix of all your most pungent bodily excretions with a splash of vodka.
48. That having fun sober is actually possible.