20-Somethings Get Real On The Times Drunk Words Were Not Sober Thoughts

by Candice Jalili

The other morning, I woke up from a night out on the town to discover a text conversation with my mom that I didn't remember having. Here’s how it went:

Mom: Why aren’t you answering my calls?

Me: On a date! Love you xo.

I’m not clear on a lot of what happened that night. But I can tell you one thing I am 100 percent certain about: I was not on a date.

The thing is, this isn’t unique for me. I always turn into a compulsive liar when I’m drunk. My drunken words are in no way, shape or form my sober thoughts.

And I discovered that at least 22 other people out there feel the same way I do.

We catch some false feelings…

One time, I drunkenly called a girl I was hooking up with but didn't like (I was honest and open about my feelings, or lack thereof, from the get-go). She asked me why I liked hanging out with her so much if I didn't like her. I told her it was because I liked her. I had meant to say "as a person" but for some reason, in my drunken state, thought I had conveyed that message adequately by only having to say I liked her. The next day, she kissed me, which was odd since we didn't normally do anything unless we had been drinking (a sort of unspoken way to keep things from being romantic). We hooked up for a bit before she told me how happy she was that she liked me. Once I remembered what I had said, I explained to her what happened. She got pissed and stopped talking to me.

— Robb*, 24

Every time I'm drunk and hang out with this guy I DON'T love, I end up uttering the words "I think I love you." I want to say that I tell him this because I miss being in love so much. But I can't stress how much weight these words DON'T have.

— Sheena, 24

Oh, I’m a stone cold drunk liar. My favorite is when I told my ex-boyfriend I still had feelings for him and enjoyed the sleepover we had -- when, about 24 hours before that conversation, I had told all of my friends how uncomfortable the whole thing made me feel and how it was just plain stupid.

— Janelle*, 22

 I got wasted and told my co-worker I had a crush on him. And right when I said it, I had a Rachel-telling-Ross moment where I floated out of my body and started hysterically laughing because of how blatantly untrue and ridiculous it was.

— Nina, 21

We make up some random sh*t…

Every time I get wasted, I tell my boyfriend I punched someone in the face. Every time. Every blackout. Thank God he's stopped believing me.

— Ashley, 25

 I told my friend I had been titty f*cked… I haven’t

— Caroline, 22

One night, I told people that I actually lived on the streets.

— Cori, 22

 I went abroad to England, and my American friends and I always told guys we were either staying the whole year or leaving the next day. Don't ask me why.

— Lydia, 23

We err on the side of creepy…

I told a boy I was standing outside his window.

— Colleen, 22

 I texted a boy I had hooked up with a few times and said, "Goodnight. I love you."

— Maria, 25

We create alternate identities…

When I’m drunk, my name turns into Arabella, and I become a mechanical engineer (usually from Stanford).

— Isabelle, 25

Once, I met a guy who was way older than me -- but so cute -- so I lied about my age and said I was five years older than I was. After a whole night of lies and a fake job, apartment, car, gym membership and much, much more, I ran into a current classmate who started talking to me about an exam we just had. Worst part: The guy just laughed at me because he knew I was lying the whole time.

— Karla*, 21

 So, for some reason I told a cab driver that I was a video journalist who spent a month in the slums of India to like "learn from the inside" what people in the slums are going through. I have no idea why I do this, but I think I may have, like, seen a documentary about the slums in India and decided I was going to be that person in the video. Alcohol, AMIRIGHT?! Anyway, now every single time I'm in a cab, I always tell this story. Often, I pick up wherever I left off in the last cab I was in however many weeks ago. It's like I think every cab driver is going to relate to this story and be my BFF for 15 minutes. It's actually pretty racist, now that I'm thinking about it. Drunk me is a very bizarre person, and she is also a HUGE liar.

— Gigi, 24

 My friend and I met some people from Stanford, so we told them we were business majors there. Turns out they don’t have a business school.

— Shelby, 23

My gay best friend/soulmate and I have a theory that if you stay sitting down in a club long enough, people will start to think you're important. We test this theory quite often, but nothing beats the night in DC we had when we sat at a table for half an hour and were approached by a group of guys asking if they could buy us drinks and share their hookah with us. Obviously we accepted. As the night of free booze continued, we gave them our stage names (my friend's a model. I'm an actor) and told them that we were out celebrating the (fake) contracts we had just signed with our (fake) new employers. My friend had just landed a (fake) runway gig during New York Fashion Week, and I had just landed a (fake) movie gig of which I could not give the name of because (it was fake) I'd signed an NDA. They believed us, only confirming my belief that I deserve an Oscar. We are the worst. Or the best. Still can't decide.

— Kelli, 22

We become ambitious…

 Outside of a bar once, I super drunkenly took my ex-boyfriend away from a girl he was with to go talk outside, and I told him I already had a job set up in Santa Monica for after graduation. Complete lie -- I lived in San Francisco and hadn't even applied to a job. He was impressed and asked me about it the next day. I had to tell him that was a complete lie.

— Camille, 22

The other day, I told my friends I was going to start studying for the LSAT soon. I don't even plan on going to law school.

— Michael, 21

We become low-key evil…

I do the typical lie where I bitch people out and target them, like F*CK YOU, KELLY, even when she’s not doing anything.

— Molly, 25

I told my friend and her boyfriend (my all-time favorite couple) that I f*cking hated them both.

— Melissa, 26

After a big night out, I usually wake up to a bunch of texts complaining about how annoyed I was with the friends I was out with… even if I wasn’t even remotely annoyed with them.

— Annie, 23

And then sometimes we even fool ourselves…

On more than one occasion, my drunk self thought, "You're totally fucking good. It's time for bed. I had a good time tonight." Then I wake up in the morning with a bed full of piss. FULL OF PISS. I don't even know if I can trust my drunk self anymore.

— Rik*, 22

One time I said I was gonna go on a run the next day…

— Christine, 22