Call Me Crazy, But I'd Rather Eat Whatever I Want Than Have Better Sex

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My name is Candice Jalili, and I'm a healthy, non-obese adult. But, apparently, I'm supposed to be eating less. Well, only if I want to be having better sex (or a better mood all the time, or quality sleep, or reduced anxiety).

A recent study conducted by the Pennington Biomedical Research Center divided a group of over 200 healthy, non-obese adults between the ages of 20 and 50 in two. For two years, half of the group ate a diet that cut their caloric intake by 25 percent, while members of the other group chowed down on whatever they wanted. Members of the calorie-cutting group not only lost an average of nearly 17 pounds, but also reported better moods, less stress, better sleep and, finally, an increased sex drive.

Whoa. Losing almost 20 pounds and living a better, happier life with mind-blowing sex included? Sounds like a total dream, right?

I'm going to go ahead and say wrong. Actually, I would go so far as to say “calorie-cutting,” along with all other forms of dieting, sounds like the furthest thing from a dream. To me, the thought of having to constantly watch and portion what I eat sounds like a nightmare.

OK, fine. Call me an unhealthy, possibly asexual freakazoid (because I know that's the exact insult you were thinking of in your head). But the thing is, I really, really love food from a really deep, happy place in my heart. I associate food with family and warmth. When I'm eating it, I want to feel carefree instead of stressed about how many calories lurk inside my bagel.

In fact, I want to relish the taste of my toasted everything bagel, topped with scallion cream cheese from the shop two blocks from my old apartment on the Upper West Side. And don't even get me started on the crunch of thinly sliced cucumber that just manages to tie the whole thing together so beautifully.

And you know what? I want a partner who shares that same unadulterated love for eating. A man who, given the choice between improving our sex life or enjoying our meals together, would always choose the food.

First of all, our sex life will obviously already be phenomenal. But mostly because he realizes that, for us, food is also a source of bonding. It's something we both passionately enjoy. It's what brought us together (hopefully) before we ever even had sex in the first place.

I guess it all goes back to the age old question: Would you rather give up food or sex for the rest of your life? And I'm just going to go ahead and say it right here: I, being the unhealthy, possibly asexual freakazoid that I am, would say goodbye to sex forever.

Obviously, the stakes are lower in real life. I'm not giving up sex, and nobody is asking me to give up food as a whole, either. But, I'm choosing the quality of one over the quality of the other, correct? I'm choosing the freedom to eat all of the prime rib and Nutella-filled croissants my heart desires over experiencing a higher level of sexual pleasure.

If I'm being completely honest here, if I really did have to choose one, I'd pick food. First of all, there's the whole you-need-in-order-to-live factor. I know the human race technically also needs sex to keep living, but let's focus on me here.

I went an entire lifetime (OK, less than two decades) without sex. I guess I was a little jealous of my more experienced friends, but other than that no harm was done. I was fine. Just a perfectly normal, functioning human who also happened to be a virgin.

But food? No food for more than two hours at a time? I'm losing my sh*t! There's no way in hell I'm surviving a day without food, let alone a lifetime.

So, I choose food over sex. So long as I am a healthy, happy human, I would like to hereby reserve my right to eat whatever the hell I want. Even if it means I'm not tapping into some next level of sexual satisfaction I never even knew existed.