The Art Of Handling Drunk Text Drama, As Told By A Seasoned Pro

by Brittany Fritz

Is it true what they say? Are a drunk man's words a sober man's thoughts?

When we pour out our hearts and leave our dignity on the screen is it truly a reflection of what we feel subconsciously, or are we just under the influence and saying things we would never even consider sober?

I spent the greater part of my 20s in a vodka-induced blur of partying, staying out all night and random hookups.

Usually, as the night began to wind down and it was time for a cab ride home, out would come the trusty cellular device to mock me and my loneliness. I think after several nights of this routine I had drunk texting down to an art.

It would take several years to live down my debauchery.

I should probably employ someone with a megaphone to follow me from bar to bar and shout at me every time my hands start to wander from my beer to my phone.

“Attention!” “Put the cell phone down and put your hands where I can see them!”

It's just too easy to use alcohol as a crutch for explaining lewd behavior.

“No, I didn't text you, vodka did,” is the best explanation for the following morning while you're perusing through your phone deleting texts even you are too embarrassed to read.

It's as if erasing them from your inbox will create the illusion they never even happened.

There's nothing more mortifying than waking up to the realization that you did indeed engage in drunk texting the night before.

It all begins when you start to drift in and out of your drunken state.

The pounding in your head and the body's desperate plea for hydration consume your immediate thoughts, tricking your mind into thinking you're safe.

However, once the body acknowledges these basic needs, the mind is free to walk through other necessary details: Where am I? Who am I? How did I get here? Where's my car? Where's my pho -- FUCK.

And that's when it hits you. It wasn't a dream after all.

As you desperately try to piece the night back together you begin the scroll of shame through your outbox. Which drunk text were you guilty of?

Was it the “I'm in love with you and everyone else I know” drunk text? Or the “I hate you and everyone else I know” drunk text?

The classic “I'm soooooo drunk” text?

The “Whrt I'm saying is so pathetic I'm gonnajumble it up to the poimt it's nt readable” text?

The “come over” text?

The “you up?” text?

Or just simply “Hey” to a number that should be off limits in ANY EVENT text?

You know you've really outdone yourself when the number isn't even stored in your phone and you've drunk dialed on memory alone. People that fall in this category are exes, one night stands and the occasional fuckboy.

Whichever route you decided to take, it's likely no amount of damage control is going to redeem you the following morning, so don't even try.

Take it in stride and move on with your life. We've all been there. Sending an apology text just shows you're soberly thinking about them, and that's even worse.

Avoiding drunk texting altogether is highly unlikely, and with all the latest technology drunk tweeting and drunk face booking are bound to be inevitable as well.

And I could write an essay on why Snapchat should 1,000 percent be disabled from phones when drunk.

When you drunk text at least you can see and evaluate the damage the next day. But when you drunk snap? Not so much. You could've flat out said "I love you" and you'd have absolutely no recollection.

I'd say we're pretty fortunate that technology has brought us this far, though. What did they do in the old days? Send drunken telegrams? Leave drunken letters in one's mailbox?

Originally posted on the author's personal blog.