“I really am glad I sent that drunk text last night!” - said no one, ever.
Drunk texting is like binging on McDonald’s in the airport: It seems like a good idea at the time, and then you really hate yourself after.
And yet, because alcohol is our secretly-evil-Regina-George-best-friend telling us it will all end well, we keep sending them anyway.
It’s a quick virtual life-killer, disguised in incoherent sentences and hard-to-decipher spelling. All it takes is one to ruin everything.
Blackout texting is never the answer, kids. You don’t want the incriminating evidence from the night before in someone else’s hands. You don’t want the humiliation, shame and confusion that comes with trying to comprehend your wasted decisions.
Need help understanding what the hell you just drunkenly received at 4 in the morning? Of course you do. Here are the 8 different types of drunk texts you send, and what’s really trying to be said.
1. I’m sooOo Hrney Cme oovr
Time it is sent: 3:07 am, post-puke Time it is okay to send: 8 pm, on a snowy evening.
What it means: If you couldn’t tell by the botched spelling, this text means pretty much what it’s incorrectly trying to say, “I am fiending for it, please come over now.” That’s the nice thing about drunk texts -- there’s always some truth in them.
Scenario: You’re drunk enough not to give a f*ck about small talk and just cut to the point. Plus, it’s getting late.
Who you send it to: Your token booty call who you know is out there doing the same thing; your girlfriend; the Domino’s pizza guy.
Why you shouldn’t have sent it: Because you ended up spooning ice cream instead.
2. Where are youuuuuuuu / I’m here / Come hereeee
Time it is sent: 1:12 am Time it is okay to send: Whenever, as long as you’re not a stalker and delete a few “u’s”
What it means: I can’t find you and I’m thinking about you and I want to end my night with you before you end it with someone else. But I’m also too drunk and messy to go to you myself.
Scenario: The bar is boring and you need someone to come spice it up. The only problem is that you’re too drunk to name the location. Nice.
Who you send it to: The girl you’ve only hooked up with three times; your friend who you promised you would see that night, but didn’t make the moves to do so; the kid you were flirting with while you were still sober at the pregame.
Why you shouldn’t have sent it: Because after giving the wrong destination and prematurely leaving, you’re not going to hook up ever again.
3. Duck you! U bitchs left me At he bar wth gros loooser! Duck yu guys I hate uu all nd yur channel bags
Time it is sent: 2:37 am Time it is okay to send: 2:37 am, at least to let everyone know you’re okay.
What it means: You’re belligerent drunk, emotional and really need someone to talk to at the bar. And you’re definitely not ready to leave yet.
Scenario: When you’re alone and pissed, but need to inform everyone that you’re okay.
Who you send it to: The group chat.
Why you shouldn’t have sent it: Because they’re all still there.
4. I miss you / I missh you baby talk to meee / Please please answer meee / I want youu baby pleasse / Wherea re you I’ll come oaver / I misss youu and your facee / YOu are perfecT
Time it is sent: Somewhere between 12:30 am and not happening. Time it is okay to send: Never. Not even sober.
What it means: I couldn’t get any other tail at the bar and realized you were the best thing that I let go. I am sad without you. I am lonely.
What it means for the person on the receiving end: Winning.
Scenario: Rejected by way too many people in this cold world. Alcohol has made the pain worse.
Who you send it to: Your archives of exes; your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend who you just blackout fought with at the bar.
Why you shouldn’t have sent it: This is an obvious one. You will regret pouring your heart out in the morning. Especially to someone who doesn’t want it back.
5. Cheeeesy bread pizza pi macaroniiiii brwonies guys! (Insert corresponding emojis here)
Time it is sent: Spelled correctly, at 11:45 pm. Spelled above, 3:12 am Time it is okay to send: We’re biased. We send messages like this during breakfast.
What it means: I came home drunk alone and I’m about to make out with a stick of butter then fall asleep in a pool of melted cheese. Paradise.
Scenario: Drunk eating your feelings; the late night to end all late nights.
Who you send it to: Your roommates; your sister’s boyfriend; your parents.
Why you shouldn’t have sent it: You’d prefer to black it out entirely, pretend it never happened and not wake up to an itemized grocery list of everything you ate last night.
6. Goodnight I love you!
Time it is sent: 4 am Time it is okay to send: When it’s not an accident.
What it means: I secretly have been wanting to say “I love you,” and now I ruined it by texting you wasted instead.
Scenario: Alcohol The Depressant has made you feel sentimental.
Who you send it to: The guy or girl you’ve been seeing for a few months; the delivery guy.
Why you shouldn’t have sent it: Clearly you know why. You either didn’t mean it, which is bad. Or you did, which is worse.
7. Hey! Gr8 meeting U tn wanna come ovr and c my turtle?
Time it is sent: 1:30 am Time it is okay to send: During daylight hours.
What it means: I liked meeting you, you seemed down and now I want to get to know you more. In my pants.
Scenario: Liquid courage makes you believe you can do-slash-text anything. It’s the “I-just-got-your-number” too eager follow-up text.
Who you send it to: The girl or guy you’ve known for two seconds at the bar; your first date from the early evening.
Why you shouldn’t have sent it: Because who wants to pursue someone who spells the word “great” like that?
8. I have a questn to ask you / Wuld yu ever consider marying me?
Time it is sent: 5:23 am Time it is okay to send: When you’re proposing. Let’s hope not via text.
What it means: I have harbored a crush on you for years. Now, at 5:23 in the morning, I’m finally going to go for it.
Scenario: You just ran into your long lost love at the bar after years of not speaking. Naturally, this makes you drink more. Naturally, this makes you believe there’s a chance.
Who you send it to: Your long-distance booty call; your ex you’re still not over; your college drug dealer.
Why you shouldn’t have sent it: You didn’t even think to buy a ring first.
9. Do u know where I can get drugs? / Sry, wrong text. / Who is this?
Time it is sent: 11:13 pm Time it is okay to send: This is subjective.
What it means: I am desperately looking for drugs and don’t care who knows it.
Scenario: You have a long night ahead of you and alcohol alone won’t cut it. Also, a ton of girls just left the same bathroom stall together and you feel left out.
Who you send it to: Your entire phonebook; that sketchy kid from high school; your boss, by accident.
Why you shouldn’t have sent it: This can and will be used against you in a court of law.
10. Hating veryone rn. U all suck. / Y won’t peeps speak to me at eh bar? / GOing to b alone 4ever / JK luv you / Whre is my friends / OMG / OMGgggg / Call meeee / Wuz good / HAte this place im leaving / chickn fingerrrs / Shots poeple / ANswer meeee
What it means: You’re a hot mess.