Facebook. What can I say?
Just like you, I'm addicted.
From the ability to stalk that popular girl from high school who got pregnant two weeks after graduation to being able to learn and find ways to support different causes, Facebook has been essential for every Millennial's existence.
Facebook has created a wonderful way to stay plugged into what's happening all around us. But sometimes, in the hands of the wrong user, Facebook can go from being a delightful activity to making me want to break my laptop screen.
Here are are seven types of people who make me wish I had deleted Facebook when I had the chance:
1. The Salesperson
I'm glad you found a hobby you can pursue while you're staying home to raise your kids, but do it somewhere else.
I don't give a sh*t you're making "so much" money on the side, or how the product really works and you were once a skeptic too, but now things have changed.
Honestly, the day your Facebook post makes me want to go out and spend $49.99 on a wax warmer that Walmart sells for $14.99 is the day I'll suddenly look ravishing in a string bikini.
2. The Person Constantly Sharing Pictures Of His Or Her Home Renovations
If you want to share what your newly-renovated home looks like, text your mom a picture or start a home-remodeling blog to share your knowledge and advice.
I don't have time to see your Pinterest fails IRT, or actually care about that vintage desk you found at a flea market.
3. The Person Who Posts Every Photo On Instagram And Facebook
Honestly, why do you even have an Instagram, then?
3. The Person Who Shows Support In Favor Of Controversial Celebrities
I'm not saying they're good people or bad people, but everyone has hot opinions on them. Those who really like them get super defensive.
Unless you're going out to eat with Jim Bob Duggar or swapping botox secrets with Kim Kardashaian, don't post about anyone who is going to create a heated argument.
4. The Guy Who Thinks He's A Transformer
Why is your profile picture your car? Listen, I know nothing about cars.
Guess what? Your constant posts about you fixing up engines, changing tires and swapping out spark plugs (if that's even a thing) aren't things anybody cares about.
5. The Writers
I know, I know.
I'm going against my own kind. I'm sorry.
But unless you're promoting a piece you've recently had published (nudge, nudge, Elite Daily) or just found out your book is being published, you actually don't need to post what you're writing about.
I don't want to read about how "this darkened gray sky feels just as broken as my tortured soul," or whatever kind of emo stuff we writers like to say to convey emotion.
6. The Person Who Documents His Or Her Kids' Every Little Achievement
When I logged into Facebook last week -- first thing in the morning with my morning coffee about to be sipped -- staring back at me was a child's toilet, filled with a huge, brown, horrific-looking turd with the hashtag #ProudMommy.
I have no words.
Actually, that's a lie. I do have words.
First, not everything your child does needs to be publicized on Facebook.
Secondly, believe it or not, not everyone shares as much interest in your child as you do.
Don't overplay it.
Leave the personal stuff at home. Or in this case, the toilet.
7. The Person Who Talks Candidly About His Or Her Significant Other
I have a Facebook friend who posts something every single day about her cheating, lying-ass boyfriend (her words) with quotes from famous people strewn across her profile page.
Don't invite people into your problems. When you post on Facebook (or anywhere), you're just asking for people to stick their noses into your life, your situation and your relationship.
I understand Facebook is a great way to gain support. But please, for God's sake, call a friend.
Thanks for reading.
I'm gonna go clean out my Facebook friends list now. Peace.