16 Drunk Conversations You've Had With Your Best Friends

by Candice Jalili

I don’t like to jaywalk. Drunk, sober… it doesn’t matter. I hate jaywalking and refuse to do it. So when I was out the other night with my best friends and the light quickly switched to a stopping-hand sign (is that what we call those? IDK), I let them go ahead and stayed back with a couple of guys in our group.

But the light took so dang long to switch that by the time these random guys and I made it to the other side of the street, I had no idea where my friends had gone.

My brief moment of panic ended when I received a phone call from one of them: “We’re at the pizza place across the street, and I just got you a slice -- come meet us!” My drunk heart melted. I HAVE THE BEST BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD! THEY REMEMBERED ME, AND THEY EVEN REMEMBERED TO GET ME A SLICE OF DELICIOUS PIZZA!

When I arrived at the pizza place to see that my friend had gotten me my favorite slice from this particular place (bacon and apple -- sounds weird, but trust me on this), you can just imagine how much I lost it. Needless to say, a conversation ensued about our undying love for each other.

I have a short bladder, so one Dixie cup of water with my pizza sent me straight to the bathroom line, where I found myself behind another set of best friends who were having the SAME CONVERSATION AS US. One bestie had remembered to get the other bestie a slice of pizza, and boy oh boy was she overcome with gratitude and love.

Turns out my best friend and I aren't quite as cool and unique as I thought we were. OK, I take that back. We're still cool. We're just not exactly the most unique.

If you are a girl with a best friend who has ever had more than a few drinks, you have probably had one (or, realistically, ALL) of these 16 conversations at one point or another in a bathroom stall located in God-knows-where.

Read for yourself, look me in the eye, and honestly, tell me you haven't. I won't believe you.

1. The one where you profess your undying love for each other

“You know what? YOU are my soulmate. Like, I just freaking love you so much.”

“I love you more! You are so perfect and beautiful, and the only thing more beautiful than your heart is your smoking bod.”

“YOU have a smoking bod! Seriously, if only vaginas didn’t naturally repulse me, you would be 'the one.'”

“Yeah, forget every stupid douche I’ve ever been with… YOU are the only one who’s been here through thick and thin.”

*Cue drunken, tear-soaked hug*

2. The one where you beauty-check each other

“Does my makeup look okay?”

“F*ck no… come closer let me wipe off your smudged eyeliner.”

“I love you.”

3. The one where you body-check each other

“OK wait, you have to come into the bathroom with me for a second.”

“What do you need?”

“I need you to look at my nipples… I think they might be inverted!!”


Flash-forward to her examining your nipples in dive-bar stall:

“They’re totally normal… you did miss a hair here, though.”

“Ah!! Can you just pluck it with your fingers?!?!?”

4. The one where you bring up that one fight you had that one time 12 years ago

“Remember when you kissed Tommy Christianson in seventh grade even though you knew I had a huge crush on him?”

“Yes, of course I remember, and I still feel guilty about it every day!!”

“It’s OK!! I just wanted to say it’s OK! I forgive you.”

“I love you so much.”

“No, I love YOU so much!!”

5. The one where you blatantly make sh*t up

“I hate John. He’s such a douche…did you see what a douche was?”

“You don’t hate John, and he’s not a douche. Shut the f*ck up.”

6. The one where you decide if you should hook up with him

“OK, he’s so cute."

“The cutest!!!”

“Do you think I should just go for it??”

“Yes. One hundred percent. He’s so nice and funny and into you.”

“OK, just track my location so you can alert the authorities if you don’t hear from me tomorrow.”

“What else are best friends for?”

7. The one where you tell her what you really think about her boyfriend

“I know I’m supposed to love Steve… but, Shannon, I HATE STEVE!!”

“Nooooo, but you can’t hate Steve!!"

“But he smells so weird, and you’re so beautiful, and he’s so average, and you hang out with him more than you hang out with me, and it makes me so sad!!”

*Cue tears and hugs and promises about how no man will ever come before this everlasting friendship*

8. The one where you decide if you should text him

“Should I text him? I feel like I should text him.”

“Don’t text him!! You made me promise I wouldn’t let you text him!!”

“But I want to text him!”

“But you can’t!! I swear to God I will steal your phone…”

Three drinks later:

“You know what? Maybe you should just text him.”

“I already did.”

9. The one where you decide it’s time to bounce this party and get some late-night food

“You ready to leave?”

“Yeah, but let’s get pizza first.”


10. The one where you talk about your families

“I’ll never be as pretty as my sister.”

“Are you kidding?! You are beautiful. You need to stop comparing yourself to her. You're so, so pretty.”

“But my MOM never thought so!”

“F*ck your mom!!”

“Hey, don’t talk about my mom like that!!”

11. The one where you talk about your one friend

“I can’t find Jen!!!!”

“She was making out with that guy from earlier…”

“Ew, but he was so creepy. We have to save her!!”

“Yeah, OK, you go try to pull drunk Jenn away from a dude.”

“She needs to stop doing sh*t like this.”

“Yeah… let’s have a talk with her tomorrow.”

12. The one where you bring up that one insignificant thing that’s been bugging you all week

“When you texted me ‘k.’ on Thursday, were you mad at me?"

“What? I don’t even remember that.”

“No look at it!!! On Thursday January 7 at 2:11 pm, you just said 'K.'”

“You know I was busy Thursday!! I had that big meeting!!”

“So you really weren’t mad??”

“No!! Why would I be mad?!? I LOVE YOU!!”

13. The one where you promise not to talk about boys…only to talk about boys for four hours

“Tonight is girls' night -- F*CK BOYS!”

“Yes, who needs a stupid boy when I have my best friends in the whole world?!”

Five shots later:

“…But I still love Cody!!!!!”

14. The one where you make some overly ambitious plans for tomorrow morning

“Set your alarm right now -- SoulCycle at 7 am tomorrow!!”

“Yes!! We’ll sweat our hangovers away, and it will be awesome and worth it.”

15. The one where we decide to go into business

“You know who makes so much money? Strippers.”

“Yeah but you know who makes more money? People who OWN strip clubs.”


“YES!!!! How are we just thinking of this now?!!!!?!?!!”

16. The one where you stop trying to play it cool about that guy she already knew you were in love with

“I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?!!?!”

“I think I’m in love with Matt…”


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