I don't know about you, but the photos on my phone represent one thing and one thing only: screenshots.
Screenshots of weird sh*t guys have sent me, screenshots of ugly snaps of my friends, screenshots of shoes I may or may not buy online. If there is a moment I can capture on my screen, odds are I've done it.
Is the Camera Roll on your phone looking pretty screenshot-free? Do me a favor and click on the "Details" button in your text thread with your best friend. I did this in the conversation I have going with my own best friend, and as I scrolled through the thousands -- yes, thousands -- of images sent back and forth, I realized something: We ONLY send each other screenshots.
Lots and lots and LOTS of screenshots.
I mean, why EXPLAIN to her what I’m talking about with my crush when I can just send her a picture of the conversation? Why would I DESCRIBE to her what the two dresses I’m choosing between online look like when I could just send her the images? Screenshots make sense.
There are just so many different kinds of them.
So, I did what I do best and I made a list. Here are the 30 screenshots you are constantly sharing with your best friends.
1. Screenshots of the text he sent you after your first date
I know he said he "had so much fun with you last night,” but do you see how he used no punctuation?!? Why did he use no punctuation?!?
2. Screenshots of the heinous Snap you just sent her
Bitch, I’m saving this quadruple chin shot until the day I die.
3. Screenshots of the two handbags you’re choosing between
I know they look almost exactly the same, but if you look closely, do you notice how the second one has a zipper on the side? What do you think? I can’t decide. Which is more "me"?
4. Screenshot of the hottest man alive’s Tinder profile
LOOK AT THIS MAN AMONGST MEN!
5. Screenshot of the hottest man alive’s ridiculous Tinder bio
Okay, his bio MIGHT be “I like to f*ck you from behind hard and fast,” but he could still be like untapped potential boyfriend material…?
6. Screenshot of your mom's text that only your best friend would even understand
…Is this not the most classic "my mother" thing you have ever seen?
7. Screenshot of that text your mom sent her asking to hang out
Pretty sure she’s always loved you more than me, anyway…
8. Screenshot of that text you sent him five hours ago
IS HE KIDDING ME?! WHY HAS HE STILL NOT RESPONDED?!?!
9. Screenshot of the funny joke you just made in your other conversation
LOL, check me out; I’m on fire.
10. Screenshot of what that b*tch in the group text just said so you guys can sh*t on her privately
Is it just me or is she being a passive-aggressive c*nt? She’s being a passive-aggressive c*nt, right?
11. Screenshot of the ridiculous Facebook status the random girl from high school just made
SHE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH AND WATCHING A MOVIE. WHAT ABOUT THAT MERITS A F*CKING FACEBOOK STATUS?!
12. Screenshot of the random, out-of-the-blue “what’s up” text you just received from the dillhole who ghosted you four months ago
Is this f*ckboy serious?!? Stupid douche… We’re both clear on the fact that I’m still texting him back though, right?
13. Screenshot of your ex’s profile picture with his new girlfriend
EW. And WTF is this caption?! “BAE Watch <3”?! WHO IS SHE?!?
14. Screenshots of every single one of your ex's new girlfriend’s profile pictures
She looks like a horse. And not in a cute, endearing, Julia Roberts way. She looks like a straight-up ugly horse.
15. Screenshots of creepy pick-up lines guys used on you on Tinder
How much would you pay me to message back this guy who said “Sit on my face” and ask for his number and address?
16. Screenshots of random texts you received from numbers you don’t know because you’re hoping maybe she knows who it is?!
Okay, so you DON’T have 435-123-4567 in your contacts?!? WELL THEN HOW THE F DOES HE KNOW ME?!! HOW DOES SOMEONE KNOW ME AND NOT YOU!?
17. Screenshot of the d*ck pic he just sent you
Okay, zoom in, and tell me if you see the red spot on the middle of the left side of his shaft.
18. Screenshot of the nude she just snapped you
I think you have inverted nipples. This is not a drill. Go see a doctor.
19. Screenshot of the “Happy Birthday" text you just received from your ex
WHO does he think he is just casually wishing me a happy birthday like that?! Like, oh yeah, sure, take a giant dump on my heart, mix it up in a pot so it’s like a dumped-heart soup, then splatter it across the wall -- but still, you know, wish me a happy birthday.
What kind of sick human is he?
20. Screenshot of the ambiguous text you just received from the guy you’ve casually been hooking up with
Yes, Anne, I know it just says “heyy,” but DID YOU LOOK AT THE TIME?! Why did he send that at 3 pm?! Nobody sends a midday “heyy” unless he mean business. And by "business," I obviously mean he wants to marry me.
21. Screenshot of your middle school nemesis’s weird haircut
It’s almost mean to hate her now that she’s an insecure bitch AND so incredibly ugly.
22. Screenshot of an inspirational quote she found on Pinterest to send to help you get you through your current crisis
I don't know what to tell you. That sucks. But hey, look at this quote I found for you on Pinterest!
23. Screenshot of the event your ex just invited you to on Facebook
Do you think this means he wants to get back together…? Or is he just trying to rub his new relationship in my face? We aren’t the types of exes who stay friends and “hang" -- he knows that. Wait, do you think he knows that?
24. Screenshots of the Yelp reviews of the two restaurants you are choosing between for dinner
Okay so Joe’s has four and a half stars, but it’s three dollar signs, and Stephanie’s is only three and a half stars but with one dollar sign… What do you think?
25. Screenshots of Justin Bieber’s dick
He had to have JUST porked, right?
26. Screenshots of the Timehop memory that was far too ugly to publicly share
TBT to when you thought Christmas colors for your braces was a good call.
27. Screenshots of the Instagram photo your high school boyfriend just posted as an engagement announcement
It’s OK. I was the best he ever had, right?!
28. Screenshots of your dream ring
He could have never gotten me this eight-karat princess cut dreamsicle, anyway.
29. Screenshots of recently tagged pictures of the guy you’ve been hooking up with
WHO do you think that girl to his right is?!
30. Screenshots of an embarrassing conversation you shared years ago
This is so painful, but why can’t I stop reading?!