I would like to start off by saying: You're welcome. You're welcome for making you feel guilt-free about indulging in your wine habit.
You're welcome for providing scientific evidence proving you actually do deserve that glass you're debating pouring.
And, finally, you're welcome for starting your week off with some damn good news.
That's right, people -- your affinity for wine is actually good for you! I know, amazing. People may have tried to tell you that you drink too much, but I'm here to remove that negativity from your life.
Exactly -- you're welcome.
Let's break it down, so you have some tangible proof to throw at those haters.
1. It's the one thing most everyone can agree on
Have you ever met a person who doesn't enjoy drinking wine? No, seriously, have you? I'll wait because I already know what your answer is going to be.
2. It will never break your heart
Unlike the shady characters who plague your life, wine will never intentionally hurt your feelings.
This lovely beverage is there to lift you up when you're feeling down and help you back up when you've drowned yourself in all its glory.
3. One glass of red wine may be the equivalent of an hour at the gym
A study regarding the health benefits of resveratrol, a compound commonly found in red wine, has revealed your body can actually receive some of the benefits of a gym session without actually completing said gym session.
The compound has been found to boost heart rate and pump up muscle performance. Uh... sign me up?
4. It feeds your soul; it doesn't take away from it
Wine is the fuel we so desperately seek when socializing. It makes everything that much easier -- your self-esteem lifts and your conversation just flows, like the bottles you imbibe.
5. I mean, it's technically fruit
You're supposed to have nine servings of fruit daily... does it count if they're in liquid form? Actually, don't answer that, I'm just going to go with a yes on that one.
6. There are no judgments when it comes to vino
Essentially, everyone drinks wine for the same reason: to unwind. If everyone is trying to relax, why would anyone waste time passing harsh judgments? Exactly.
Red drinker? White drinker? It doesn't f*cking matter because we're all in this together.
7. It makes you a better writer
Ernest Hemingway said, "Write drunk; edit sober." And it makes perfect sense. Your thoughts are fluid and they translate easily from your mind to paper. Whichever companies don't serve liquor at their offices should heavily reconsider.
8. It doesn't make you bloated, like other alcohols
Everyone knows just how sh*tty beer and other dark liquors make you feel. Maybe this is why so many people opt for wine... It's definitely on the top of my reasons.
9. It makes for a super cheap date
Dim the lights, throw a $4 bottle of Trader Joe's wine on the table and your date will be smitten. It'll look like a huge romantic effort, but we all know your dirty little secret; in fact, we encourage it.
10. Your parents appreciate the fact you have a go-to wine
This is quite the step-up from downing endless tequila shots in a fraternity basement. Your parents never thought you'd grow out of that phase, so they are beyond pleased to see you make the transition over to wine.
11. It doesn't drain your life savings
Sure, there may be expensive varieties, but that doesn't mean you always have to choose those. In fact, if the price tag were removed, who could even tell the difference between an $11 bottle or a $31 bottle?
12. It's totally fine joining you while you binge watch terrible television
While your best friend or boyfriend may put up a fight over "Grey's Anatomy" marathons, your bottle of Pinot Grigio certainly won't.
13. It helps you sleep!
Can't sleep? Too many thoughts running through your mind when you lie down? Grab a glass of wine and see if that doesn't help you drift away.
14. It's the perfect staying-in or going-out companion
It doesn't matter where you are, wine is always a good option. While all of your friends are getting sh*tfaced at the bar, you appear classy despite the fact you're on your fourth glass.
15. One glass may even improve your looks!
A glass of wine, or smaller amounts of other alcohol, can actually help boost a person's attractiveness. No, seriously, there's science behind it. I know -- you're welcome again.
16. Pairing it with exercise can yield amazing results
Uh, what? It helps protect against cardiovascular disease? It sounds good in our books!
17. It's a therapy session in a bottle
We actually have 20 reasons to back up why a bottle of wine is the best kind of therapy you could ever wish for.
18. Because it's not frowned upon to finish a bottle in one sitting
In fact, it's encouraged... I mean one bottle is only about three and a half glasses anyway.
19. It erases your knowledge of how many calories are in things
Once you start drinking wine, you don't give a sh*t about what food you're eating. In fact, the more cheese you can get your hands on, the better.