Being drunk on wine is different than being drunk on any other type of liquor.
It brings with it a sense of ease and fluidity. Unlike vodka, it doesn't make you coherent one moment and blacked out the next. Instead, it slowly creeps up on you, easing your tension and relieving your bad mood.
Essentially, it's the weed of alcohol, as it makes you super giddy and carefree. I've tweeted it before, and I'll say it again — a wine drunk is a sexy drunk.
But as with anything in life, it comes with its highs and most definitely its lows. And this is something women of the world can more than relate to -- or at least I hope so... otherwise, I'm just sh* t out of luck.
So what are the highs and lows like for the ladies?...
1. High: You grab your best friend and determine that tonight is a wine night
When two females come together and decide the forecast of their evening is centering around wine — well, watch out world because things are about to get real serious.
2. Low: You purchase a bottle... each
Everyone knows that it's just proper form to bring a personal bottle of wine to ladies' night. FYI: There is no such thing as a surplus of vino.
3. High: It only costs $8
Buying cheap wine gives an entirely new meaning to balling on a budget.
4. Low: It tastes like it only costs $8
Sure, it may taste pretty nasty, but remember, just a few short years ago, you were willing to drink Natty Lights and vodka from plastic handles.
5. High: You both appear classy, as only the classiest of the classy drink wine
If this is all it takes to appear classy, well then, life just got a whole lot easier!
6. Low: You've ditched the glasses and are now drinking straight out of the bottle
You're basically just cutting the middle man (the glass) out of the equation. I'm going to chalk this one up to... innovation...?
7. High: You don't even have to do the dishes because you've opted for the bottle
And this, my friends, is what being economical, resourceful and environmentally friendly is all about.
8. Low: You've chipped your tooth on the bottle
The only time you even see your dentist is after a drunk encounter. You've officially run out of excuses and just accept you are a functioning alcoholic with great dental insurance.
9. High: You've finished both bottles
10. Low: You're using the empty bottle to play spin the bottle... between the two of you
Drunk games are the best kind of games, aren't they?
11. High: You and your friend have never been more honest with each other
The more you drink, the more your inner feelings come out as the two of you discuss a variety of topics while contemplating life. Hmm, maybe if more people used wine as a tool, conflict would be resolved more easily.
12. Low: You admit you may or may not have slept with her ex-college hookup... twice
Wine, more often than not, encourages its drinkers to reveal things they wouldn't normally say in daily conversation.
13. High: Neither of you care and spend the next 10 minutes making fun of him
Making fun of a mutual hookup's performance is perhaps one of your favorite pastimes.
14. High: This leads you to you share other personal stories with your friend, some of which you have never told another person, which just takes your friendship to the next level
You are definitely going to need way more wine if this is the route you two are taking.
15. Low: You both end up in hysterical tears for no reason, holding each other as if you were watching "The Notebook" for the first time
It's like you had a breakthrough that you didn't even know you wanted or needed. Wine brings everyone closer and makes every situation much, much better.
16. High: Now that your makeup is smeared across your face and you've cried for over an hour — it's time to get high
What better way is there to come down from your emotional wine roller coaster than a little weed? There's a reason hump-day is referred to as Wine & Weed Wednesdays.
17. Low: You and your friend decide to raid the fridge like the drunk stoner girls that you truly are, and end up eating all of your groceries for the next week
You thought you were being strategic when you went food shopping the prior day. But as everyone knows, one moment your fridge is stocked... and the next moment, you've eaten everything you've purchased.
18. Low: You wake up with no recollection of your incredible evening while simultaneously trying to manage what is the worst headache you've ever experienced
You know what this sounds like to me? A work from home day. Thank God for the Internet.