The 11 Internet Age Disorders That Needed To Be Added To WebMD
With the progression of social media, you can't help but notice strange trends inundating our timelines. Selfies and hot dog legs plague our Instagram feeds, which begs the question: "What the hell has happened to our society?"
The Internet plays a central role in our lives whether we realize it or not -- but, seriously, how could you not realize it?
Because of this, our lives have changed... and not necessarily for the better. Sure, getting your groceries delivered is an awesome concept, but come on, can't you just go down the street?
We've all become lazy and dependent on the Internet for menial tasks and, as a result, have developed certain "disorders."
Everyone is familiar with WebMD in one way or another, as most people flock to this website when they are feeling the tiniest bit sick.
But today we're updating that for you with the list of Millennial disorders people suffer from as a result of their environment in 2014.
Selfie Syndrome:
Diagnosis: Frequent uploads of pictures taken of yourself, by yourself; usually taken from an upward, diagonal angle
How you develop this problem: By spending too much time staring at yourself in the mirror
Symptoms: Over filtered; over saturated; kissy face; refreshing the page multiple times within seconds of uploading the image to check for 'likes'
How to cure it: Who do we have to blame for these ridiculous Internet fads? Ourselves, that's who. By liking these types of posts, we are basically encouraging the user to upload more photos of a similar nature.
Once you start selfie-ing and get into those double-digit numbers, well you just don't stop. The fewer likes a selfie gets, the less chance of this user putting up another one -- think about it.
FOMO:
Diagnosis: The fear of missing out; the feeling of extreme anxiety when your friends do something fun and you're not there
How you develop the problem: By having prior commitments when your friends plan fun things
Symptoms: Anxiety, depression, fear
How to cure it: Rearrange your schedule; realize that not everything is as fun as it looks in pictures; quit your job
Dying:
Diagnosis: Never feeling normal in the brain again
How you develop the problem: By engaging in some sort of ridiculous activity that leaves you flabbergasted and/or dumbfounded
Symptoms: Being or suffering any (or a combination) of these -- hungover, tired, cranky, annoyed, excessive laughter, sick, upset, startled
How to cure it: Drink some water, get some sleep and smoke
Post-Vacation Depression:
Diagnosis: The feeling of hating where you presently are after coming back from vacation
How you develop the problem: You leave amazing weather to come back to the bitter cold or any less than ideal weather conditions
Symptoms: Annoyed, irritated, moody
How to cure it: Suck it up and remind yourself how fortunate you were to go on vacation; scroll through the countless pictures you posted on Instagram and relish in how many likes your palm tree got
Monday Blues:
Diagnosis: The feeling of despair after spending the whole weekend away from the office
How you develop the problem: By partying hard all weekend long
Symptoms: Scrolling through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for the first two hours of being at work; reading various websites and blogs to procrastinate; being hungover
How to cure it: Log off Gchat, stop procrastinating and do your actual work
Online Shopping Addiction:
Diagnosis: The uncanny desire to scroll through websites that sell: apparel, shoes, home goods, electronics and basically anything else you can buy online
How you develop the problem: By spending countless hours browsing shopping websites you can't afford; having too much access to technology
Symptoms: Anxiety, obsessive compulsive behavior, having a negative bank account
How to cure it: Who the f*ck knows, I'm currently on Nasty Gal and have a serious shopping problem
Basic Bitch Syndrome:
Diagnosis: Suffering from the extremely mundane; becoming a carbon copy of other people you know
How you develop the problem: Watch this incredibly on point tutorial for a detailed account of how you actually contract this disease:
Symptoms: Posting photos of any of the following: "pretty" beverages, #foodporn, selfies, animals, manicures
How to cure it: Being a basic bitch is a condition that has taken our nation by storm; perhaps the only way to cure this problem is through an intervention conducted by someone who is the opposite of a basic bitch.
She will grab you and tell you to stop posting photos of your Starbucks drink with your name spelled wrong, as well as posting fake Marilyn Monroe quotes. Don't be upset if you are subjected to a friendtervention of this nature, instead embrace and appreciate it.
Speaking in Hashtags:
Diagnosis: Saying the word "hashtag" out loud before the adjective you are using to describe a situation
How you develop the problem: By spending way too much time on social media
Symptoms: Using hashtags wherever you deem fit regardless if they should actually be used in that given situation
How to cure it: Only use hashtags on social media platforms where they belong: e.g. Twitter and Instagram (No, Facebook is not included).
Phantom Vibrate Syndrome:
Diagnosis: The mistaken feeling that your cell phone is vibrating when, in reality, it is not
How you develop the problem: By spending excessive amounts of time grasping your cell phone
Symptoms: Thinking you have received a text message, email or any other alert resulting in your phone vibrating, but you actually have no notifications
How to cure it: Put your phone in your bag or jacket and only check on it when you are expecting a message.
Birth Control Bloat:
Diagnosis: The retention of water weight due to the hormones in your birth control, making you look disproportionate
How you develop the problem: By taking a too-high hormone level of birth control
Symptoms: Swollen face; swollen "belt" around the abdomen
How to cure it: Switch your pills/birth control method or toss those suckers in the trash for good.
Cyclops Disorder:
Diagnosis: The result of using only one eye to read your phone when waking up and going to sleep
How you develop the problem: By having an intense addiction to social media, texting and basically your cell phone in general
Symptoms: Loss of feelings in your hands and/or fingers, blurred vision, temporary loss of vision in the other eye
How to cure it: Put the phone away at the same time you turn off your lights
Photo via Pretty Little Liars
