Hi. My name is Gigi Engle, and I’m addicted to coke.
No! Not that kind of coke! I haven’t played with the white stuff since the last time I was at a party in college.
I’m talking about a far greater type of coke, of the soda variety. I’m talking about the juice of heaven, the fluid made from the tears of angels: Diet Coke.
I am 100 percent, balls-to-the-wall, couldn’t-love-anything-more-in-the-world addicted to Diet Coke.
My fellow coke addicts -- those who indulge in the sweet elixir of the gods -- this one is for you.
The problem we addicts face is that while we love Diet Coke with all the might of a thousand Roman armies, we also know that it is really, really unhealthy.
It’s a constant push and pull between wanting to do right by our bodies and wanting a Diet Coke. Unfortunately, you accept, at the end of the day, that this is a lifelong affliction.
Remember the good old days when people used to drink Diet Coke because it was the “healthier” option? No more.
Here are 25 struggles every Diet Coke addict will understand all too well:
1. Like a coffee drinker, you cannot begin your day without a Diet Coke.
It is the morning liquid that slowly melts away the pain of the coming day. Some people think drinking soda in the morning is weird. They can not-so-kindly f*ck off.
2. You know you are staining your teeth, but the bubbles bring you life.
Sometimes you get stressed about your pearly whites, but then you remember white strips, and you have another sip of your Diet Coke.
3. You legitimately go through withdrawals when you don’t have it.
When you call yourself an addict, you seriously mean it. When you don’t have your diet coke, you’re subject to headaches and cravings.
4. You are highly aware you are pouring battery acid all over your organs.
Sometimes you get worried about your poor organs because you are acutely aware of how bad your sacred beverage is for your body. Yet, you never stop.
5. Nothing will ever satisfy you the way a Diet Coke will.
You say things like, “Oh, I’d definitely give up Diet Coke before oral sex!” but we all know that isn’t the case.
6. You have a mini panic attack when you realize you don't have any Diet Coke in the fridge.
There is nothing quite as devastating as coming home after a long day, only to discover you are out of Diet Coke.
7. ...And then you break into a cold sweat thinking about carrying that huge case up your stairs.
You realize you’re going to have to make a second trip up your stairs. You consider not going to the store, but you know you’re going to cave. Extra cardio, right?
8. People know you for your addiction and judge you for it.
You’re often called things like “The girl who drinks all the Diet Coke” or “The guy with the Diet Coke addiction.” You can feel the judgmental eyes burning into you.
9. It’s your biggest vice, and it doesn’t even get you f*cked up.
It’s a habit that is a little difficult to justify -- indulging in vodka gets you drunk, smoking a cigarette calms you down. Diet Coke brings you a kind of joy no one else understands.
10. It pains you to spend $3 on a Diet Coke at lunch, but you always give in.
You know these bullsh*t inflated prices are all part of the “dining experience.” It’s not like you’re going to drink iced tea if Diet Coke is an option.
11. When someone merely mentions Diet Coke, you just want Diet Coke.
Even when that someone is talking about how bad it is for you, you just want to go out and buy one.
12. It could really be its own food group for you.
There have definitely been times when you’ve had Diet Coke for dinner. It’s the substance you consume most.
13. You haven’t had water since 2007.
Diet Coke is technically made with water, so you have no need to drink water if you really think about it. Your life is a constant state of dehydration.
14. When the waitress tells you the restaurant only has Diet Pepsi:
Me: I’ll have a Diet Coke, please.
Waitress: Is Pepsi, OK?
Me: Of course it’s not OK. If I wanted Pepsi, I would have ordered Pepsi.
Proceeds to drink a gross green tea bev, sullenly.
15. Your relationship is destructive; you just can’t let it go no matter how bad it gets.
You will never give it up, despite the damage it does to you. No one will understand you like Diet Coke understands you.
16. It derails every attempt you make to eat healthily.
Every time you opt for a kale salad instead of pizza, you wonder what good your healthy choices are when you drink so much Diet Coke. You’re just trying to do something good for yourself!
17. When a restaurant doesn’t serve Diet Coke, you will always bring your own.
You know which of your regular spots are “Pepsi spots” and always come prepared with your arsenal of DC from the closest CVS.
18. When Diet Coke is on sale, you have to buy every single bottle and can.
And then you have to lug all of it home. You’ve been in relationships for the sole purpose of having extra hands to carry your DC cases back to your apartment.
19. You will never throw shade like you do when someone suggests you quit Diet Coke.
People always seem to feel the need to tell you all of the reasons you should stop drinking Diet Coke. As if you didn’t know, and this were your choice, regardless.
20. Science is now telling you your beautiful, sweet Diet Coke is making you fat.
You absolutely refuse to believe that sh*t. F*ck off, science.
21. You want to use it as a chaser, but you don’t want to taint it.
Your Diet Coke is sacred. Though it’s your favorite drink in any situation, you don’t want to make it taste bad by putting whiskey in it. It feels dirty and wrong.
22. You’re still emotionally dealing with the fact that you easily spend $1,000 per year on Diet Coke.
It’s a hard pill to swallow. So, instead, you swallow more Diet Coke.
23. You live for that burn it gives you in the back of your throat.
Much like smokers enjoy the burn in their lungs, you live for that carbonated throat burn. It is painfully satisfying.
24. You’ve considered moving because you live in a “Pepsi city.”
Who the f*ck wants to live in a place that prefers Pepsi? That’s just morally wrong.
25. You’ve ended relationships due to your DC addiction.
You get over dudes who try to make you quit Diet Coke. You’re not going to change for no man. First Diet Coke and then what? WINE?!