Anytime anyone refers to me as an “alpha female,” I fall ill with an irrepressible bout of imposter syndrome.
I'm the type of lady who can't hold back either, so I'll usually dramatically scream, “NO. I'm NOT an alpha female!" to any innocent person who has accused me of such.
I'll take a deep breath, gaze into this poor misinformed person's eyeballs and purr,
“I'm too sensitive to be an alpha female, babe. You just think that I'm alpha female because I'm wearing red lipstick, a power lesbian blazer and have a slew of tattoos. I might look like a badass alpha, but really I'm a sensitive fucking KITTEN!"
(The person usually proceeds to block me on social media after this aggressive, borderline insane interaction
“You're not an alpha female you stupid piece of shit,” I'll snarl at my vulnerable looking reflection in the mirror.
"You can't even watch tragic movies anymore because the emotional weight haunts you for days and days afterward."
"You had to see an expensive therapist on the upper West Side of Manhattan for three years because you couldn't get the disturbing images of shelter animals out of your head after you adopted a kitten."
"You weep into your pillow every night, black mascara tears staining the virgin white cotton pillowcase because you're just so SAD about HOW SAD life is, you freakishly sensitive creature."
"That is not the behavior of an alpha female, you imposter loser."
"So whatever you're doing that's misguiding the masses -- you need to cut that shit out, sister. Otherwise, you'll be (shudder) found out as a fraud.”
And I'll slump off to bed like the defeated non-alpha girl I am.
“Everyone thinks I'm an alpha female. What idiotic bullshit! I wish I were an alpha female!” I bitched to my ex-girlfriend over drinks at Fig & Olive a few nights ago.
She rolled her massive brown eyes and took a slug of her lesbian beer. (I'm the only lesbian I know who detests beer.)
“You're such an alpha female.”
“Um. Well. You're one of the most wildly independent creatures I've ever met in my entire life. You're outspoken as fuck, you're a control freak, a leader and a shameless weirdo, which means you're an individual. After dating you, I feel like I could write a guidebook on dating ALPHA females, bitch.” (For the record, she said “bitch” with great affection.)
I was flattered, but nevertheless, I persisted. “What about my EPIC sensitivity?”
“All alpha girls are deep feelers. That's why you're so passionate.”
All alpha girls are deep feelers. That's why you're so passionate.
Hours later, I was curled up into a tiny ball on my Upper East Side apartment wondering how the ceiling got so dirty (Do you guys ever wonder how DIRT streaks end up on the goddamn ceiling?), when it hit me.
My name is Zara Goddamn Barrie, and I'm a surefire alpha female.
And I'm also wildly sensitive.
And in fact, when you look at the great alpha females throughout history, what's one common thread that strings these gorgeous creatures together? THEIR WILD SENSITIVITY, GIRL. They were strong because they gave a fuck.
So here is why alpha females are the most sensitive, soulful, wonderful, (sexy) creatures on this haphazard planet we call earth, baby!
If you're irrepressibly outspoken, it's because you're deeply sensitive.
Like I said earlier in this article, I can't help but speak my highly opinionated mind. It might even be physically impossible for me to keep my mouth slammed shut when I hear any words of bigotry fall out of the sinful lips of a bigot.
“Hey, what did you just say about GAY people? Because I'm a DYKE and I would like for you to say what you just said about my kind to your 'buddy' to my DYKE face, dickhead,” I screamed to a group of fratty looking guys in fratty looking button-downs that I overhead mumble the word “faggot” on the Las Vegas strip last week.
“You think women BELONG WHERE?” I bellowed, pounding my chest like an ape at a bistro full of white Republicans in Sarasota, Florida when I overheard a red-faced right-winger tell a girl “to get back in the kitchen.”
I just can't help myself. And it's not because I'm a hard, fierce bitch. It's because I'm a sensitive puppy who recoils at expressions of hatred.
I'm so goddamn sensitive that it hurts me on such a deep, guttural level when I hear people spew hurtful, racist, homophobic and misogynistic garble.
It hurts so bad, I have no choice but to bite back.
If you give a shit, you're deeply sensitive.
If alpha females are outspoken entities and often angry or upset, it's only because they give massive, beautiful shits about everything and everything.
It's considered very "alpha" to care too much about everything. Alphas are always being told to "chill."
For instance: Everyone knows you don't want to dare give an alpha female a shitty table at a restaurant. She will go berserk, her magnificent alpha feathers will be rumpled and she'll demand a better table.
And look, babes, it's not because we're high maintenance (OK, maybe a little) and snobbish (OK, maybe a little). But really, it's because we're super sensitive, my fellow sensitive kittens!
We want to ensure that our friends having dinner with us experience the best possible night ever! Because we're sensitive to their feelings, and the thought of letting them down sends daggers through our tender, bleeding hearts.
See, we're very ~energetically~ tapped into the way our friends feel, so we feel a great, heavy weight of responsibility looming over heads at all times.
"Does Becky feel GOOD? Is she comfortable? I can sense she's uncomfortable," our inner dialogue will repeat in our sore heads all the damn time.
We're also known to have extremely HIGH standards for our friends. We're hard on our friends, we push our friends, we get pissed off at our friends... a lot.
But hey, we're pissed because it hurts our souls to see you hurt.
We don't want you to blackout and run the risk of some pimply faced fuckboy taking advantage of you. In fact, even typing out that sentence filled me with an overwhelming amount of FEAR. I suddenly feel compelled to text my best friend, Ruba, and remind her to eat dinner before her next Tinder date.
Alpha girls are known to be many things — loud, bossy, outspoken — but apathetic isn't one of them.
The driving force behind our beautiful madness and outrageous loudness and ferocious bossiness is pure sensitivity, baby.
We're guarded because we're deeply sensitive.
Alpha girls are most definitely known to be insanely guarded creatures. Every single person I've ever dated has always cooed, “Why are you so hard to get to really know?” into my earlobe, as they stroked my hair and attempted to chill me the fuck out.
I'll tell you why you why we're so guarded: because if we do let down these walls, you're in our fucking hearts forever.
Even if you go mentally insane, develop a drug problem, go off the rails, move to Hollywood and get really caught up in the annoying "celeb" scene or become a born again Christian who disapproves of us, we will always love you.
We will always care about you, even if we don't want to care about you.
We're so sensitive that once someone has broken through the rough exterior and gets inside the gooey parts that exist within us, you're part of our DNA.
We'll carry you around forever. And that's scary to let someone in so deeply, someone who could potentially hurt or betray or humiliate us.
So if you meet us, and we're cold and removed, it's only because we're SO deeply loving and sensitive. We're holding back a little bit because we know it's only a matter of time before you're sleeping on our couches and becoming our best friends until the end of time.
Alphas are like swans. Except we might not mate for life; we keep our best friends for life.