We've all been there.
You're lying in bed at night, reveling in the peaceful silence wrapped up tightly in somebody's arms, when suddenly, you remember you're alone.
There's no actual "somebody" there, and so you're faced with the difficult decision to either embrace being spooned by a lonely ghost, or to sage that rapey apparition the fuck out your bedroom.
Not everyone is going to be chosen as the object of a disembodied spirit's affection.
But your apartment may still be haunted, even if that phantasm doesn't find you attractive.
Here are the signs you may be hosting a spirit of the deceased, and how to get rid of it:
1. Inexplicable shadows
People have claimed that ghosts can often be seen by shadows that make no sense.
Usually, these shadows can be seen out of the corner of our eyes, which is how most clairvoyants experience their "visions."
2. Strange noises
Listen in your apartment for noises that may range from sounding far away to very close.
Pay attention to things like objects being dropped, doors creaking, music being played or your name being said by someone who isn't there.
Psychic medium Rebecca Rosen suggests that hearing ringing in your ears can be a subtle sign a ghost is trying to contact you as well.
So if there's no medical reason for it and your ears are going off, you might be getting a call from the other side.
3. Stolen shit
Ghosts are notorious for taking your shit without asking just because they don't have voices.
If you find your Muji aromatherapy machine removed from its designated area and suddenly back in place a few weeks later, you know that ghost was trying to huff your eucalyptus oil.
4. Cold spots
According to some paranormal investigators, if there are certain areas of your apartment that are always colder than others no matter what you do to heat them up, this could be a sign of a haunting.
Sure, it could also be a draft. But if ghosts do exist, then it could be the fact that they are made up of energy, and wherever that energy goes, it draws heat away from the surrounding area.
I'm not a scientist; I'm just a girl who believes in the possibility of a sexually charged ghost encounter.
5. Flickering lights
The lights in your apartment have been checked, and there's nothing wrong with the wiring. You've changed the light bulbs a million times.
I hate to break it to you, but this is a long suspected sign that ghosts are in the building.
So, how do we deal with these supernatural suckas?
Well, one way is to talk to them.
Every medium I've ever spoken to (and I have spoken to a basketful of mediums) has said it's perfectly acceptable to speak to the spirits in your apartment.
You can politely ask them to leave you alone, or you can ask them why they don't find you attractive.
If you don't like either answer, you can sage the place.
Sage is an ancient herb, and while the laws of physics can't explain how it works to clear ghosts out of your apartment, I can personally attest to the fact that it smells bad enough to clear out the living.
And we have actual bodies to keep some of that shit out of us.
If the smell of sage literally infiltrated my entire energy body, I would be terrified to return to wherever it was burned.