Woman Demolishes Manipulative Ex In Hysterical Craigslist Ad For A Blender
Our emotions after particularly bad breakups reveal themselves in curious and unpredictable ways.
For one Craigslist user, the platform for her to best express her feeling came in the most unlikely of arenas: an ad for a blender she was selling.
A corporate lawyer can predict the future from a mile up his own asshole.
The blender in question, a Vitamix to be exact, was listed at $400. But her honest words of passion and scorn were worth much more.
The ad was titled “Wanna put my tender heart in a blender.”
It starts like this:
Never date a corporate lawyer. Here's how it goes. You match him on Tinder and give him a chance even though he ghosted you after one date. You never get an explanation for this beyond "I was looking for something specific.”
He has nice hair. He apologizes, claims to hate True Detective, and laughs at all your jokes.
And then she just proceeds to tell the story of their awful relationship.
One night you watch a movie about the futility of monogamy, and he freaks out. He's scared of commitment. The guy who committed to 80-hour work weeks for nebulous reasons is scared of commitment.
He comes over in a panic. He's sad because "we used to be so happy." He sees you "in a negative way" now. He sometimes even doubts you're attractive. Because lawyers think it's important to present all sides of reality. To acknowledge how illusory everything is, even human connection. A corporate lawyer can predict the future from a mile up his own asshole.
In fact, there is no reference to the blender at all until the very end.
He clearly wants to break up, but makes you do it. It's the day after your birthday. A few days later, this Vitamix arrives at your door. Either he wants you back, or he does not understand the human species.
He does not understand the human species. Who buys someone they're dumping a Vitamix?
The last lines are my favorite part. And they're the only lines where she gives you any information about the blender itself.
It's a certified reconditioned 5200 series. It comes in the box with a 5-year warranty and a recipe book. I am also available for dates.
She included this helpful picture of the blender in question.