It's been four days since my first trip to the gym since the start of the new year and considering the aches and soreness I'm somehow reminded of with every letter I type, I feel like I should take the opportunity to say what I should have said a long time ago: I'm sorry.
I know I told you this winter would be different -- that this would be the year I stopped becoming a seasonal cliché -- but I'm not usually the most trustworthy source. You should know that better than anyone else. You probably should have seen this coming.
My overly principled parents taught me simply saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough to absolve yourself.
If you want to truly apologize, you have to be very clear about what you're sorry for (in my experience, this is so it's easier for the scorned party to come up with a reason he or she doesn't think you're really sorry because everybody knows apologies are more fun when there's groveling involved).
I know how temperamental you can be, Body, so I took some time to jot down some of the specific incidents that inspired this particular mea culpa.
1. I'm sorry I thought drinking an entire bottle of whiskey during the course of Winter Storm Jonas was somehow a better way to "keep warm" than turning the heat in my apartment up a couple degrees.
2. I'm sorry I thought, "Well, I've already pooped twice today," was an appropriate excuse for not going to the gym.
3. I'm sorry I consider wearing heavy layers on a crowded subway and sweating heavily just as effective as working out.
4. I'm sorry I kept "winter" as an excuse to never leave my apartment every weekend, even though it was basically spring until a week ago.
5. I'm sorry so much of that time was spent repeatedly watching "13 Going on 30."
6. I'm sorry for using "wind chill" as an excuse for taking an Uber fewer than 10 blocks.
7. I'm sorry 43 degrees Fahrenheit is the temperature I use to decide whether or not I am going to have food delivered.
8. I'm sorry I thought eating like Buddy the Elf was a good idea.
9. I'm sorry so many bars have fireplaces and my apartment doesn't.
10. I'm sorry I thought that scarf would look good. I honestly don't know what I was thinking.
11. I'm sorry I have to drink beer whenever there's football on. That's just something men do.
12. I'm sorry I haven't bought anything for my chapped lips. That's just not something men do.
13. I'm sorry about what I did to that 24-pack of Ferrero Rocher in a single sitting a couple of days after Christmas.
14. I'm sorry I have a large cup of hot chocolate before going to bed every night.
15. I'm sorry I can't have hot chocolate without adding peppermint schnapps. What do you want me to do?
16. I'm sorry I tried the mozzarella sticks at McDonald's.
17. I'm sorry about every single thing that's going to enter my stomach during the Super Bowl this Sunday.
With that being said, I hope you can forgive me (or, at least, bear with me until the summer, when I'll finally pledge to change things but ultimately fail to follow through). We're in this together.