Across this beautiful country -- in our cities, our suburbs, our towns -- there lives a mysterious creature.
He lies dormant during the summer and spring months, waiting for his season to arrive.
When fall rears its hazel and orange head, he knows the time is near.
But, it is in winter, when the first snow falls from the heavens, he makes his majestic presence known.
We call him the "White Man Who Wears Shorts In Winter" or the WMWWSIW.
Sightings of the WMWWSIW were documented thousands of times on social media this year alone.
He is most often seen from behind, walking resolutely into the elements.
Scientists do not know how this creature was able to evolve to have such extremely hot calves...
...but the lower legs of the WMWWSIW have been said to be able to withstand extended exposure to subzero temperatures.
The US government attempted to capture the WMWWSIW for many years, in order to study his physiology for military application...
...but, as of yet, each attempt at detainment failed due to, according to a higher-up in the CIA, "too much very strong kicking."
Many environmentalist groups insisted this beautiful, strong creature be left alone so he may live as he always has...
...but fascination with his stupendously powerful and temperature-resistant calves continues to thrive each winter.
As for the WMWWSIW: each winter, he will carry on basking in his Spartan glory...
...while we look on, as we've always done, mesmerized by his power.