I grew up in the fashion world. My mom is a fashion designer, and my sister is possibly the most glamorous woman alive. I was brought up in a universe where Vogue was the Bible, Karl Lagerfeld was Christ and Paris Fashion Week was Jerusalem. (I also went to Catholic school and am highly aware of how blasphemous that sentence was, but don't worry, I said, like, eight Hail Marys after I wrote it.)
My first swimsuit? A blue-and-orange Dolce and Gabbana one-piece that my mom would carefully coordinate with complementary floaties on my arms. The shoes I wore to my first day of kindergarten? White Gucci loafers.
I appreciate fashion. I mean, as a business, it's what paid for my food and my education. How could I not be grateful for it? Furthermore, I respect people who have a real passion for it. I see a brand new pair of Louboutins on someone's feet, and I (first send a picture to my sister to confirm that I spotted them correctly, then…) admire it like some people can admire a Monet on display at the museum.
But I don't want to spend two grand for uncomfortable shoes that I am probably definitely going to bust my ankle in when I could spend about $1,800 less for Uggs that make me feel like my feet just stepped inside of a warm, fuzzy cloud. For me, comfort has always come first.
So when I saw that there was a wearable sleeping bag on the market, I thought to myself, “SIGN ME THE F*CK UP.”
I hope my mother and sister never even see this article because they will first die and then flip over in their graves. Yes, that's right. I've written about getting f*cked up and hooking up with guys, but what I am the most afraid of my family reading is the article where I wear a full-body sleeping bag around town for two days.
But this sleeping bag is chic and could pass as a cool, trendy DVF winter coat. Or at least, that's what I'll tell my sister or mother if they ever hear about this.
I am also from California, and this is going to be my very first “real” winter, as I've learned the condescending people from the East Coast like to refer to their winters. (Like, sorry, was my winter “fake” just because I could walk outside without freezing my tits off?). I was not excited and was looking for any and every way to make it a more pleasant experience for myself. I got the nice weatherproof down jacket and requisite snow boots, but I still didn't feel like I would be cozy enough. And coziness is hugely important to me. This sleeping bag was exactly the cozy factor I was looking for.
So, here we go. If you are not my sister or my mother, please read along, as I spent two days wearing my sleeping bag in pure, unadulterated bliss.
Obstacle #1: Getting it on
Well, I couldn't quite “wear it to work” as immediately as I had hoped. The thing was an XL, and I am 5'4” and 100 pounds. So it was way too long. There are also holes for the arms, legs and head that you THINK would be easy to navigate, but they're tough to figure out without someone's help. I was hoping my roommate would be home to help me with the process but, as is usual for me, I overslept and she was gone by the time I woke up. Disaster.
Also, if we're being honest here, I was nervous. I talk big game about being all cool and confident, but the thought of walking into my office decked out in this giant thing was a little intimidating, especially since I was walking in late. So I decided I would pack it up and bring it along with me and have my co-workers help me put it on.
They helped me get into the wearable sleeping bag, and, like any self-respecting person in this day and age, I lifted the train and wobbled straight to the bathroom for a mirror selfie. I was slowly but surely starting to feel fly.
As I made my way over to the bathroom (a full walk across the office), my confidence began to grow. One guy stopped me to ask if I was really cold, but other than that, you know what people said? ZIP, ZILCH, NADA! Sure, people were probably talking mad sh*t over the office messaging app, but who cares!?! I was more comfortable than all of those suckers.
Obstacle #2: Going to the bathroom
After my selfie, I figured I might as well get some business done while I was in the bathroom already. The only problem: I had JUST asked everyone to put it on for me! I couldn't take it back off and go back out there while they were all quietly working to have them put it on again.
I decided to go with a simple but hygienically questionable approach: Pull it down and let it fall to the floor. Ended up working great. If you ever find yourself having to use the facilities in a full-body sleeping bag, I highly recommend.
Obstacle #3: OVERWHELMING heat
So, at first, things were going swimmingly in my sleeping bag. I felt cozy and honestly very, very groovy.
But then the day went on, and I got very hot. I mean, like, SWELTERINGLY hot, you guys. I swear my office isn't even one of those places that puts the heat on blast way too high when it's cold outside. It was normal temperature in here, pretty cold outside and A BILLION DEGREES INSIDE OF THIS F*CKING THING.
I had never loved and hated something so much at the same time. Is this the clothing equivalent of a hate-f*ck? IDK.
Obstacle #4: Going out in public
Noon rolled around, and I was READY for lunch (okay, fine, it was 11:00 if we're being realistic. I eat early). This presented me with a couple of problems.
First and foremost, I eat lunch EVERY day with my good friend and coworker, Kevin. EVERY SINGLE DAY, YOU GUYS. But you know what happened that day? Kevin just so happened to be “slammed with work.” Fair-weather friend, am I right?
So there I was, left to go face the mean streets of New York City by my lonesome, nothing but my sleeping bag to protect me from the cold harsh world.
The first question was, how do I figure out a way to walk in it like a normal person? I went back to the bathroom for a little experimenting. Finally, I figured out the trick: Take the drawstrings that are at the foot, cinch them at my waist and let the rest of the bag fall over me like a dress! PERFECT! I looked fabulous and I felt competent. Time to slap on my winter coat and hit the streets.
On the streets, I realized something fantastic about New York City: I was nowhere near the weirdest person out there.
In my three-block walk to Whole Foods, I came across an elderly lady dressed in a floor-length fur coat with matching earmuffs and hat, all of which were covered in butterfly brooches. I ran into a guy straight-up wearing plastic bags. And another guy in what could only be described as a bedazzled Darth Vader suit. FYI, I asked all of these people if they would be down to take a selfie for this article, and they all refused.
I decided I didn't look weird at all. In fact, I looked STREET STYLE CHIC.
Obstacle #5: Getting on the subway
Finally, the day had ended, and it was time to head home. Honestly, I wrote this point as an obstacle because of the format I'm using for this piece, but this was NO OBSTACLE AT ALL.
Seriously, please do yourself a favor and wear one of these bad boys every time you ride the subway. Sure, I was absolutely sweltering. But I was also so comfortable, and I took up so much space that people HAD to respect my personal bubble.
Obstacle #6: Going in public with friends
The next day rolled around, and Kevin was suddenly no longer too “busy” for me. My theory is that he saw how much I was rocking it and couldn't help but WANT to be seen with me. But whatever, take what you can get.
Obstacle #7: REALITY CHECK
I know I had that moment of weakness before work the first day where I was nervous to show up in this thing by myself in front of all of my coworkers, but for the most part, I really do have some through-the-roof confidence. To the point where it's a little delusional.
It was day two, and I had really started to believe that people thought I looked like some sort of high fashion model on break from her runway show when Kevin caught some pics that proved otherwise.
Obstacle #8: Saying “f*ck it” to the haters
This random dude on the street was visibly appalled by my wardrobe choices, but did I let that stop me?! NO. I was comfortable and warmer than him on that 28-degree day. So I went ahead and got my panini and Nutella-filled croissant and walked home from Eataly with my head held high.
Eventually the time came to stop shaming my good family name and take off the sleeping bag. I'm currently dressed in Uggs, leggings, a sweater and a blanket scarf (LOL, could I BE any more basic?). And I'm not gonna lie ... I feel NAKED. Sure, it made me look ridiculous and made me sweat profusely, but I loved my wearable sleeping bag. I loved the damn thing with my whole heart.
Eh, no need to be too melodramatic. I'll probs bust it out as soon as I get home tonight.