Let's just get this out of the way: I am vain. There, I said it. I am SO f*cking vain, you guys. I love myself.
So it's no surprise that out of my 1,158 Facebook friends, no one is quite as entertaining to stalk as myself.
Let me paint a little picture for you. It's a Sunday afternoon, and I'm having a serious case of the scaries:
What am I doing with my life?! Does he even like me?!! Why am I wasting time??? What did I do last night? Do I have permanent liver damage??! I probably look like sh*t right now. *checks mirror* Scratch that, I definitely look like sh*t right now.
I open my laptop to Google "can you die from hangover," but, like any self-respecting young adult or soccer mom of four, I reflexively type in "Facebook." After casually scrolling through my news feed for a bit and catching up with all the irrelevants, I click on my own profile. Suddenly I am flooded by images of myself looking about 20,000 times better than I currently do and having a great time with my even greater friends.
And you know what? I FEEL BETTER. I'm fun! I'm hilarious! I'm pretty! I have so many great friends! I've done so many fun things! MY LIFE FREAKING ROCKS.
I'm being serious. I don't just like to stalk myself. I LOVE it. I could just scroll through my pictures over and over again, and it would never get old. Forget my current crush or the girl I hate from college who posts the long statuses about how much her life has gone downhill. They can all go f*ck themselves, as far as I'm concerned.
My life is the only life I want to be up-to-date on. And here's why.
Stalking myself doesn't leave me with any new information I didn't want to know in the first place.
I have 1,158 friends on Facebook and, to be honest, I am not dying to know any details about any one of their lives. Like, I'm sorry Chelsea Jones*, I loved our in-class friendship junior year of high school, and the little bits I get from my news feed are enough to let me know you are still alive and well. That's all I need to know. I don't want to click on your profile and get caught up on where you had dinner last night and who you're dating now.
Speaking of dating, I don't even want to stalk boys I'm dating! Or boys I used to date, for that matter. WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO MYSELF?! One scroll through his Facebook makes me painfully aware of all the other women who exist in his life. Why not grant myself the small luxury of believing I am, and always will be, the only female he's ever come into contact with?
Stalking myself is like the best, most awesome trip down memory lane.
As I mentioned earlier, my life rocks. Like, it really, really rocks. I have had some great times with even greater friends. And luckily for me, those great times are usually captured in pictures, and those pictures are usually uploaded on Facebook and tagged to my profile.
So now when I'm having a sh*t day, I can go on Facebook, scroll through my pictures and remember all the f*cking awesome times I've had. Fills my love bucket right up.
Stalking myself gives me the power to see myself how other people do.
Sure, there's a very large chance that every boy I've ever had a crush on is exactly like me and is equally self-absorbed and obsessed with stalking only himself. But then there's a chance that he's like most other people and maybe occasionally stalks my profile. Cue: me stalking my profile through his eyes. OMG, I am so fun and cool. How could he possibly NOT love me?!
And it's not just with boys. For better or worse, our social media profiles are how the rest of the world views us. It's rare that you can really sit there and see how other people see you, and stalking your own profile suddenly gives you the ability!
I may never be able to read minds like I've always wanted to, but this is as close as I'm going to get.
Stalking myself is an automatic confidence boost.
What do I do when someone uploads an ugly picture of me on Facebook? Untag it immediately, of course.
This has left my actual profile with a collection of photos that perfectly portray me as a beautiful and/or hilarious human being. My profile reflects the absolute best version of myself.
So, when I'm feeling like a horrific piece of sh*t, OBVIOUSLY I am going to want to look at this collection of carefully chosen photographs from the best times of my life so I can catapult right back to seeing what an overly confident person I am.
Literally -- I dare you to scroll through pictures of yourself listening to “Oh” by Ciara and tell me you aren't the flyest person to have graced this Earth with your presence.