Valentine's Day (or as most people call it, "Heartbreak Armageddon") is the one day of the year we've all decided to set aside to feel bad about ourselves.
Whether your single and spending Valentine's Day watching horror movies and eating peanut butter with your hands or you're in a couple and either being disappointed or, more likely, doing the disappointing, Valentine's Day almost never lives up to expectations.
THANKS A LOT, GARY MARSHALL AND ASHTON KUTCHER!
There are probably, like, eight couples in this entire country not getting bummed out. I'm no scientist, but eight seems like an optimistic, educated guess.
So this V-Day, my suggestion is this: Embrace the darkness and lean into the misery. Look directly into the void of your own loneliness and sing.
Let me help you get started.
I've scoured the Internet and found some delightfully unromantic Valentine's Day pictures for you cold-blooded, black-hearted, super-lonely monsters to feast your eyes on.
A gift card to SmashBurger, Dad? That's basically incest.
"Smashed" is another word for sex, according to the "Jersey Shore" cast. So, yeah, my incest joke up there makes sense on a lot of levels.
"Bathroom flower" is officially now something I will say for the rest of my life. One day, I hope to have the opportunity.
I like to think there is a toilet Cupid going around America and leaving toilet flowers for dudes in need.
You know this truck is a f*ckboy: He isn't looking for anything serious and has a super long, load-bearing crane.
"Load-bearing." Get it? Like semen.
Kids are especially good at the unromantic valentines. Probably because they are the only ones who realize the opposite sex is gross.
Want to know something really sad? Cyclops has never looked at his own penis without red glasses on. Or maybe he has. In which case, he'd be penis-less. No wonder he's always so jealous of Wolverine and Jean Grey hanging out.
They are very, very good.
Look, I've seen "The Ring." I get what is happening here.
Little dude has good taste, though.
If I was Tyler, I would feel pretty f*cking good about beating Teddy Roosevelt.
I mean, if you're going to get your heart stepped on, you might as well get a cookie out of it.
I think it was Einstein who theorized if "a cookie" is X and "heartbreak" is Y and "you" are Z, then this must hold true: "Y + Z + X > Y + Z + no cookies."
God, I love math.
Now, Valentine's Day isn't all about the cards or the flowers. It's also a wonderful day to take your loved one(s) out on the town!
This restaurant supports polygamy. Someone shut this place down immediately.
But if you want to be really classy, look no further. White Castle is now accepting Valentine's Day reservations! You know, if you want to be the victim of a homicide.
Harriet and Kyle Go To White Castle.
Listen, people, Valentine's Day is not that hard. Keep it simple. Buy flowers. Use your genitals. Repeat.
OK, I'm going to go home and finally get started on the life-size Darth Vader sculpture I am making out of my own mucus as a present for my girlfriend. Love takes work, guys!