Hey, Northeast tornado warning. Can I call you Nado?
Listen, Mr. Nado, I know that you have pledged allegiance to no nation, and therefore probably don't know very much about our history here in the United States of Budweiser — I mean America.
And, after all, why would you? You're made of moisture and temperature conflicts and have no cognitive functions. So let me explain: In this country, we have a thing called “Independence Day.”
Some of us just call it “July Fourth” because, honestly, we don't really care all that much about the fact that it commemorates the day we secured our independence from the British empire.
Yeah I know, Britain used to have an empire where they liked to kill and torture people, except they didn't really do much of that to us — they just taxed us a bit more than we liked, so we decided to go to war and then everyone killed each other and our beautiful nation that you are planning to visit tonight was born!
But, you see, dear Nado, this weekend — July Fourth weekend — has become a time for us American citizens to get together and bask in the sun as we eat barbecued animal flesh and photograph ourselves getting drunk while wearing sunglasses for social media.
It is a really important tradition for us. And if you insist on hanging out around the Northeast, it's going to spoil our plans.
We need this right now, Nado. We're all seconds away from a second civil war with this election campaign, and we need a weekend, just one weekend, where we, as Americans, do what we do best: get drunk and eat food, possibly near water.
Let me tell you a little story, Nado. During World War I, on Christmas Eve 1914, German and British soldiers were crouched in their separate trenches, waiting out the night after a bloody day of fighting.
And then all of a sudden, both sides, despite the fact that they had been murdering each other all day, and would continue to do so the day after, decided to put down their weapons, just for this one night, and enjoy the sacred holiday.
It is hard to imagine, but some soldiers were to have even crossed the trenches to share food, exchange seasonal greetings and sing Christmas songs together.
Do you see what I'm saying, Nado? Do you see? Sometimes you have to put things aside to respect a holiday.
That is what I am asking you right now. I'm asking you to stand down. Just this once. And not ruin my beautiful weekend plans.
You can have all the fun you want today. But, please, make your way out to sea before Saturday.
I'm just a boy, standing in front of a tornado warning, asking it to chill.
Love, Alec MacDonald (Writer at Elite Daily, American)
P.S. Give Tsunami and the hurricanes my best.