What The New 'Star Wars' Is About, Based Exclusively On The Trailer


Unless you've been living under a rock, on another planet, a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, you've seen the new "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" trailer.

Each time a new Star Wars trailer comes out, the Internet erupts with speculation. People study these trailers with more attention to detail than you have cyber stalking an ex who just entered a new relationship after, like, only a month! So I decided to just take the speculative feeding frenzy one step further.

I'm going to summarize the whole movie based exclusively on the trailer.

Now, because I have never suffered any sort of traumatic brain injury, I love "Star Wars." I have watched the original series more times than Kanye has watched himself have sex in a mirror. But, for the sake of this experiment, I'm going to pretend I've never heard of “Star Wars” before (it's about celebrities who are forced into a fierce gladiatorial battle to the death, right?).

OK. Let's us begin this fantastical journey.

Meet our protagonist. Her name is "Dorris DirtyClothes." In the beginning of the movie, Dorris has some acne issues so she covers her face in this convenient, terrifying mask.

After a while, the acne goes away and Dorris DirtyClothes is really pretty again. She even has a robot stalker who follows her around staring at her dusty butt.

It's not all romance and accessorizing for Dorris, though. No, she has a lot on her mind. Like how she can fight for the freedom to never do laundry.

Enter Dorris' ultimate enemy, the evil Laundromat Corporation, and its bleach-obsessed soldiers, the "Never-Worn Troopers."

But they have a defector! One of the Never-Worn Troopers is secretly really sweaty and hates clean clothes, just like Dorris! His name is, of course, "Tommy PitStains."

Tommy PitStains' dad was a Never-Worn Trooper, so he never knew a different way of life. But he's had enough, and he goes into the desert to follow his dream of being sweaty and dusty.

This is the best day of Tommy's life. He sobs with joy.

But the Laundromat Corporation officials hear of Tommy's desertion from the famous Never-Worn Trooper training camp, "Fort Cleene." And they are, like, sooo f*cking pissed off.

Their leader, Emperor WashAndPress, vows revenge.

His dad, Emperor GentleCycle, went crazy a couple of years ago and met his demise by jumping into an industrial-strength washing machine. He was a dick, but it was still sad.

Eventually, Dorris DirtyClothes and Tommy PitStains find each other and team up with the legendary... the one and only... the inimitable...

...Han B.O. (The elders say he has never once changed his clothes. Seriously, look up a picture of him from 20 years ago. He's wearing the same outfit. What a hero.)

Inevitably, the Laundromat Corporation hears of this Smelly Rebellion and its troops venture off into dirty terrain to brutally put it down. War is declared.

Seriously, the Never-Worn Troopers have to fight in, like, SUCH dirty places. It's totally awful for them. You can say a lot about these guys, but you can't say they aren't willing to sacrifice for their beliefs -- I mean briefs.

Meanwhile, the Smelly Rebellion prepares for battle. At this point, Tommy PitStains runs into someone who supposedly knows him.

Tommy is super embarrassed because he doesn't recognize him at all...

...and he's like, "Wait, who the f*ck are you, bro?"

Anyway, the harrowing war between the Never-Worn Troopers and the Smelly Rebellion finally begins! It's super violent and depressing.

There are a lot of alphabetically-shaped spaceships involved (mostly Xs and Hs)...

...but Dorris and Tommy don't like flying because it's not dusty enough for them and they might accidentally air-dry. So they just fight on the ground.

During the war, the two of them meet many ferociously-clean enemies, like when they get captured by this evil robot who hangs all of its laundry out to dry.

They also meet cool allies, like this guy who is adorably in love with his muddy sex-robot.

But the war is terrible. At one point, the Never-Worn Troopers dry clean an entire city...

...Dorris can still hear the screams.

Things turn around when Han B.O. and his trusty sidekick, "Big Wet Dog," teach Tommy how to raise his arms and make the whole battlefield smell like a lacrosse team's locker room.

Unfortunately, just when things are turning around, thousands of reinforcements of Never-Worn Troopers appear out of this giant dishwasher.

It starts to look like, no matter how many times the Smelly Rebellion forgets to wear deodorant before going to work out, it just can't win.

The Never-Worn Troopers are ruthless, and their resources limitless. Fabric softeners drift down from the sky like angels of death.

Emperor WashAndClean is on the verge of victory. Here he is telling the rebellion to "talk to the hand." It's chilling. It seems all is lost...

...until ONE MAN -- a man who used to be a part of the Laundry Corporation until he decided to forge his own smelly path through the wilderness of this thing we call life -- steps up to the challenge.

The fate of the whole world's hygiene is on Tommy PitStains' sweaty, brave shoulders.

Anyway, Tommy wins. And the movie ends with this random pair of old rebels smelling each other's victorious body odor. Freedom reigns.