The day of reckoning is upon us.
You can hide at home behind your computer screens, or you can stand and fight like true warriors so that years from now, weak and frail in your bed, you can say, "I stood, I shopped... and I conquered."
Going into battle is never easy.
Fighting for great deals takes courage and conviction. Some of you may die, but you will die in battle, and with your death comes honor.
And by death, I mean missing out on a really dope pair of 40 percent off Nike high-tops.
Black Friday isn't just about "sweet holiday deals."
Black Friday is about defending your family, providing for your loved ones and protecting your inner circle against the grubby, joy-stealing losers trying to cut you at the checkout line.
But as any veteran of the commerce war will tell you, this struggle takes preparation. Not just physical preparation, but mental preparedness.
On November 25, 2016, your mind needs to be sharper than a chainsaw, and I'm here to tell you how to make that happen.
The battle cry
Black Friday is a battle of epic proportions. It is a close and intimate war, simultaneously a skirmish of wits and hand-to-hand combat.
The enemy is real, and he is out there, lurking in the activities of your everyday life.
He is both faceless and very much with-a-face. Recognizable or not, you will have to fight this enemy using the power of intimidation.
You must scare the enemy away with a battle cry that comes from the very core of your being. It's a cry so loud and wild it would shrink the head of the devil.
"YOU CAN TAKE MY LIFE, BUT YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY HOLIDAY DEALS!" or something to that effect should cut it.
Plant thyself in a position of readiness, and do not be shaken.
Your enemy has schemes and strategies to defeat you, but all their petty plans and schemes mean nothing in the face of what you stand to gain from that "Star Wars" box set.
That box set is going win you the love and acceptance of your father. Does this trifling goon know what you would do for that?
Not yet, but they're about to find out in a real Darth Vader kind of way.
Gird your loins with courage and faith that if anybody even tries you, you will obliterate them by the sheer, unmovable force of your will.
You are an iceberg, a weapon of nature, and they are the shitty, man-made Titanic, bound for the bottom of the ocean.
Shod your feet with comfy sneaks
A warrior is only as good in battle as her feet. You can't stand firm against your enemy in heels, so strap on some Adidas, dummy.
Today, you are a soldier, and soldiers know wars cannot be won in 3-inch pumps.
Along with comfortable shoes, you'll need a helmet, a breastplate and a pillow to tape around your midsection.
Also, war paint. War paint is fun and cute, but it also says, "Stand in my way, and I will pillage your toys and starve your family of their entire holiday experience."
Black Friday isn't just about shopping. Black Friday is about WINNING. It's about winning no matter the cost, as long as the cost is 75 percent off.
So get in there, and BE somebody.
Prove it to yourself, your family, your comrades and God HERSELF that you will do whatever it takes to win this war.
Because pain is temporary, and VICTORY IS (not) FOREVER, BUT A FULL YEAR UNTIL NEXT BLACK FRIDAY.