6 New Beauty Trends That Will Make You Scream, 'Absolutely Not'

by Rosey Baker
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It's always nice to scroll through Instagram for four hours at a time while spring is in bloom, the birds are singing and the sun is shining (or whatever it does. I wouldn't know I haven't been outside in months.)

But if you check out a few of the recent beauty accounts, you'll find some new trends that are frightening enough to make you want to take to the streets.

Seriously, after seeing these new beauty trends, I did not feel safe being alone in my house.

In fact, if you're alone reading this, do yourself a favor and hide the knives:

1. Glitter undercuts

This is unacceptable.

You look like a Care Bear came on your neck. I don't care how whimsical you feel in your heart, and I don't care if you're "living your truth."

Your truth is dumb, and so is this hairstyle.

How about, instead of covering your scalp in henna patterns and glitter, you just tattoo "I'M ON MOLLY" to your forehead?

2. Pubic hair shaving stencils

I mean, not only is this absurd as fuck, but it's also offensive. I'm not trying to turn my entire vagina into confetti.

Please do not assume I have the time or the skill set to shave my pubes in an extravagant "Edward Scissorhands" design.

Ravia, a Japanese brand, created these little stencils for your public hair so you can turn your pubes into a gross arts and crafts project.

Also, please do not assume (correctly) that I HAVE enough bush to work with.

This isn't 1970 (it is, down there), and my pubes are not an overgrown forest (they are).

3. Feather eyebrows

Feather eyebrows are all over the internet right now, and I am living in fear over their inevitable appearance in my everyday life.

I love the fact that bushy brows are back, but do we need to take everything to such an "animated" level?

Like, do our eyebrows really need to look like they might fly off of our foreheads?

Nope, I don't think so.

4. Edible nail polish

Edible nail polish is great if you're hungry and you want your meals with a side of hepatitis.

Walking around with your fingers in your mouth all day is for toddlers, and walking around with food on your hands that you can resist eating all day is for people who hate themselves.

If you do it at all, do it for the 'Gram and for nothing else.

5. Body contouring

As much as I hate working out, it's probably more efficient (and less degrading) than painting a new body onto your body.

Watching this video was like watching Trump win the election.

I just kept asking myself, "How did we get here? Is this real? Am I dead?" while blinking back the tears.

6. Lip sprinkles

So, hold up.

Am I just supposed to believe that covering my lips in glue and rainbow sprinkles is a summery new look that everyone will love?

No, not today and not ever. Actually, not even at Coachella.

You are not the famous makeup artist Pat McGrath, and you are not on a runway.

This is real life, and you look like you just got caught binging on condiments for children.