Lifetime movies should be reserved for grandmothers terrified of modern life, people fighting life-threatening illnesses in hospitals, and children who tricked their parents into thinking they were sick enough to stay home from school but consider themselves too cool to watch "The Price is Right."
If you find yourself watching a Lifetime movie and you do not fall into one (or more) of the categories above, then I'm sorry: Something truly horrible and tragic has befallen you.
It's time to pick yourself off the floor, finish signing those divorce papers, clean the deer blood off your car bumper, sign up for Netflix and go watch "House of Cards" like a normal person.
After Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig made the ultimate Lifetime movie a couple of weeks ago, I thought it was time to compile a list of the most absurd productions -- the ones dumb enough to make you want to pick a fight with a stray dog or experiment with self-immolation.
They're in no particular order because if you are comparing dog sh*t to dog sh*t, it's really hard to tell which one is sh*ttier.
"Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life"
One-sentence synopsis: A teenage swimming prodigy becomes addicted to the evil pleasures of INTERNET PORN, and it ruins his life and the life of his family.
Commentary: The weirdest thing about this movie is it implies that this teen is only addicted to watching the porn but never actually masturbates... which is like someone being addicted to stepping up to home plate with a bat and just watching strikes fly by.
Disclaimer: Sex addiction is a real thing, as is porn addiction, but this movie deals with those issues with the care and subtly usually reserved for a blacked-out banker taking a dump standing up.
"I Me Wed"
One-sentence synopsis: After being asked one too many times when she's going to get married, Isabel decides that "you know what, I'll just marry myself!" -- but then she starts to fall in love with this dude, and she has to find a way to tell him she's already married! TO HERSELF!
Commentary: OK, that was more than one sentence -- but holy sh*t, the screenwriter of this movie must have written it in 25 minutes on a roll of toilet paper while cresting the apex of a mescaline trip.
"The Christmas Consultant"
One-sentence synopsis: David Hasselhoff, in an attempt to seem even more publicly miserable, acted in this stomach ulcer of a movie, where he plays a sought-after "Christmas Consultant" hired to try to help a workaholic mom and her family get through the holidays.
Commentary: The moral of this movie is that working women apparently can't expect to have successful careers while being good mothers, unless they have David Hasselhoff's help.
"I Killed My BFF"
One-sentence synopsis: Two women become friends after giving birth in the same hospital (you know, as people do), and they love each other but one of them is bipolar and the other has money problems and then there, like, is a robbery and one of them kills the other one because who cares?
Commentary: To be honest, this one I picked because of its name. I'm just in love with the idea of someone killing her best friend but still calling her "BFF" because, despite being a murderer, she still likes using cool lingo.
"A Fare to Remember"
One-sentence synopsis: A woman needs to get to her wedding in LA but she's in Seattle on business and all the flights are delayed, so, naturally, she gets a cab driver to just drive her from LA to Seattle and falls in love with the driver on the way because of course that happens.
Commentary: I think the moral of this story is that you can get cab drivers to do anything if you throw enough money at them? Oh and also that women with successful careers live hollow, loveless lives. This is becoming a theme here, guys.
"More of Me"
One-sentence synopsis: Molly Shannon (who is in this movie for some reason) just can't seem to juggle her domestic duties and career goals (yes, that again), until one day she makes a wish while looking in her apparently magical mirror and three doppelgangers of her pop out of it -- one is motherly, the other is career-oriented and the third is all about pleasing her husband's hefty sexual requirements. But, here's the catch: When this happens, the real her becomes invisible! OH NO!
Commentary: No need for further commentary, the moral of this story is more obvious than Jeremy Piven's baldness.
One-sentence synopsis: Annie thinks she has three children, but she actually only has two -- because the other one isn't real, even though everyone pretends it is to be nice until the end of the movie, when the not-real kid fake dies and everyone is sad but also relieved.
Commentary: Although it's supposed to be a sweet story about family and love, this is actually just a story of a woman who has lost her grasp on reality and is tormenting her scared, delusional children with the help of her enabling, irresponsible husband who refuses to get his wife the help she needs.
"Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?"
One-sentence synopsis: Honestly, with a title like that, who gives a horse's sh*t what this movie is about -- but fine. This "movie" is about a girl who dates a bad boy and, you know, he turns out to be an ax-murderer, and her mom (who had warned her about hanging around with bad boys) saves her in the end and there are high fives.
Commentary: Other than implying even more forcefully than the "Twilight" movies that sex will ruin your life (and get you ax-murdered), the highlight of this film is Tori Spelling, who, for the entirety of her performance, looks like she just swallowed a pound of glass but doesn't want anyone to know.
"A Very Cool Christmas"
One-sentence synopsis: Sixteen-year-old cool-person Lindsay Deerfield thinks Christmas is lame until she randomly meets the REAL Santa and promptly decides to give him a modern makeover!
Commentary: Seriously, what can I say? This movie is anthrax.
One-sentence synopsis: Annie, a fashion reporter, begins investigating the death of a hair stylist who police believe killed herself after getting a bad hair cut, but Annie thinks something else is afoot, and when her police detective old squeeze is put on the case, she has to juggle love, hair, AND MURDER.
Commentary: I don't know what else I can add. My only guess is that this movie must have been written by someone right after he or she made the terrible mistake of having sex with Gary Busey and is now devoted to forcing the rest of the world experience the same sort of shame and repulsion that she now carries with her every day.