Mom's Hilariously Honest Letter On Why Teen Is Late To School Is Too Familiar
Being a teenager is hard. Well, OK, actually, being a soldier during World War I is hard. Being a teenager is just shitty. But shitty is also bad.
As a teenager, your hormones are the chemical equivalent of a soccer mob that all just dropped acid. You're equal parts furious, sad, confused, euphoric (people tell me) and horny (gross).
All this makes parenting a teenager a little like trying to catch smoke with a fork.
One parent decided to get creative with her letter to her daughter's teacher after the parent's daughter was late to school.
This parent is saying, in this letter, what our parents thought every day of our teenaged years and what we'll be thinking down the line when our own children kick through the screen door because you won't let them go to "Hot Bobby's lake house."
Here is the masterful letter:
Below I will provide a transcript:
To whom it may concern: Cara is tardy this morning as a result of a condition known as teenage-ism. Adolescents across our great nation are afflicted, and there is no known cure. Symptoms are multitudinous, but this particular morning, she suffered from an inability to remove herself from her bed, and also felt the need to talk back to her birth-giver. She seems to be recovering her senses after watching her cell phone fly out the car window. Please call me if there is another flare-up. Thank you,
OK, a lot to unpack here — first of all, the handwriting. To me, that looks like some high school writing. My sister had the same exact handwriting in high school (now, years later, her handwriting has morphed into resembling blood spatter).
When you get older, your handwriting gets weirder. You're less interested in color-coded notes and more interested in scrawling "EAT FEWER EGGS THEY MAKE YOU FART AT WORK" on a post it on your fridge.
What I'm saying here is, I think the letter is a forgery by the student it profiles. If that's true, it'd be even better.
My second piece of evidence is the presence of the word "multitudinous." There has never in the history of the written word been a more obvious SAT prep word than "multitudinous."
If anyone you know uses "multitudinous" in regular conversation, they are a spy and should be called into the CIA.
Whoever wrote the letter, though, they get an A+ from me. ("A" stands for "Aw, good job." And "+" is actually a tiny crucifix.)