How The 'Mad Men' Cast Would Fare If They Were On 'The Walking Dead'
Look, I'm sure by now you've all imagined how you'd do in the zombie apocalypse.
As for me, I'm pretty sure I'd commit suicide during the first "so zombies are happening now" news report. But what you may not have imagined is how the characters of a totally unrelated show might do if hypothetically dropped into those circumstances.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is where I come in!
"The Walking Dead" had its season finale a week before Sunday's premiere of the second half of the final season of "Mad Men," so we decided to go ahead and create a mashup nobody asked us for.
How would the cast of "Mad Men" behave during the zombie apocalypse? What would be each character's weapon of choice? And how would each die?
Find out below!
Pete sees that the zombies are the ones in charge now and kicks down the door of the shelter to go and join the winning team. Unfortunately, the zombies send him back for being too unethical.
Weapon of choice: Talking
Death: Old age
Ken Cosgrove, the Vermont native, already has an eyepatch, which you'd think would help him intimidate people -- but the visual impact of the patch is outdone by his terrible depth perception.
Ken lasts only a few weeks, relying heavily on help from the group, until he eventually gets left behind when he can't catch the gun Roger throws him.
Weapon of choice: He can harvest maple syrup? Syrup is sticky? Look, I said he sucked.
Death: He uses his remaining eye to watch a pair of zombies play jump rope with his intestinal tract.
Don -- the great shapeshifter, the man of a thousand faces -- discards his pre-zombie life like a snake sheds its skin.
Don, the ultimate realist, looks upon the massacring of man, the rotting corpses that stumble through the darkened world like the very incarnation of need, and he accepts it for what it is. Tragic. Pointless. Sexy.
Weapon of choice: Being drunk
Death: Lung cancer
Betty goes along with the group for a while but after a stray bullet kills her husband, Henry Francis, she happily discovers that she's 100 percent cool with being a cannibal.
She has no problem eating people at all, and she leaves the group to pursue her new craving. She's been living in hell all her life, so it's not such a big change.
Weapon of choice: Seduction, sweetness and a letter opener
Death: Chokes on an ear she's eating
Joan immediately takes control of the group, securing food, shelter and weapons and sets up a strict schedule of duties for everyone. Having never gotten anything in life easily, she adapts quickly to the meritocracy of zombie-surviving.
She is eventually elected queen of the post-apocalyptic nation state “Zomberica II,” where she is worshipped like the greek goddess Hera.
Weapon of choice: A trident
Death: Betty murders and eats her.
Sterling was in the Navy during WWII, so he is not unfamiliar with the stresses of wartime.
Unfortunately, that was 30 years ago, and the ex-Navy man is unable to live without his regular regimen of martinis and sex with virgins.
Weapon of choice: Molotov cocktail (he just likes the name)
Death: Boredom heart attack
Megan is separated from the group early on in the zombie epidemic, but she manages to survive by taking up with a group of rich Californian hedonists in a fortified compound in the mountains.
She spends most of the zombie apocalypse just drinking champagne, wearing cool outfits and putting on plays.
Weapon of choice: Fashion
Death: Orgy accident. And when she comes back as a zombie, she decimates the safe haven because she's so good at biting (the teeth) and also because everyone is still drunk and naked.
The Draper Children
The Draper children -- Sally, Bobby and baby Gene -- are forgotten at a gas station by their parents (because obviously that would happen) and are forced to make their way on their own.
They put everything they learned as rich white suburban children raised in the 1960s to work and die immediately.
Weapon of choice: Sticks and crying
Death: You know, all the zombies, like, eat them.
Peggy trades in her dresses and typewriter for a motorcycle, leather, and violence, terrorizing the zombie hoards with two razor-sharp machetes. Sometimes she spends days outside the shelter alone, searching desperately for something. But the more she searches, the less she understands what she actually is looking for.
Weapon of choice: Dual-wielded machetes
Death: She ventured out into the woods one day, and no one ever saw her again. I hope she found what she was looking for.
Bonus: She finally has sex with Don because, you know, who gives a sh*t at this point.