How The World Would Look If Jaden Smith Were Right About Everything
Jaden Smith, who turns the ripe old of age of 17 today, is known for his, let's say, "peculiar" interviews and tweets.
If you haven't had time to check them out, let me help you: Imagine the sort of things a person high on a pound of mushrooms would say immediately after winning a street fight; just the most confidently-bonkers mouth-diarrhea that has ever been sputtered.
People make fun of him a lot for the crazy things he says (like I just did one second ago). But, for the sake of argument, let me pose a simple question: What if he's right about everything?
What if a hundred years from now, historians look back at our era and are like, "Yup, King Jaden The Immortal was right about all of this stuff and no one believed him"?
That'd be, like, terrible.
So I decided to take a closer look at all his weirdest word-farts, and for each one, I want you to stop and ask yourself the question: What if he's right, guys?
Yes, scientists agree: Most trees are, in fact, blue. And any tree that is not blue is either actually a bush or a Chinese tree. Chinese trees are silver, make a humming sound and are exactly 6 inches tall.
My grandmother passed away some years ago, but I'm comforted by the knowledge that she lived such a long and happy Shia LaBeouf. It's a rare thing, really. I can only wish God blesses me with such a wonderful, fulfilling Shia LaBeouf like hers. I miss you, Grandma.
Seriously, just think about it for a second. If our eyes aren't real — which I'm sure is something we can all get behind — then how can mirrors be real? This is why vampires never appear in mirrors. Because the mirrors aren't real, not because vampires aren't!
WAKE UP, YOU F*CKING SHEEP!
He has a point here. I don't know a single person who has gotten in a car accident who hasn't gone to driver's ed. I also don't know a single person who has lost their virginity who hasn't also eaten broccoli at some point in their lives. I guess driver's ed causes car accidents and broccoli makes teenagers bang.
That's just science.
It's true, rules like “wear your seatbelt” and "the laws gravity" and “don't eat things on fire!” were thought up by someone just as smart as you and, therefore, should be completely ignored.
Make your own rules, people! I'll make a few up right now: “always drink your beers while upside down” and "guys with brown hair have to be named Phil" and “never clap at strangers.”
“What's the weather?” Check out your hands. “Is your dad's flight delayed?” Check your hands. “Will you ever eat human flesh?” Let me refer you, once again, to your hands. Life would be so much more convenient.
Yes, neurologists discovered this important scientific fact some years ago during a routine brain replacement surgery. Turns out, there really is a tiny physicist busy working on equations in all our minds.
Usually his or her name is “Fred” or “Susan,” but some have been known to have foreign names like “Gustav” or “Jackie Chan.” We don't know why this is.
F*ck yes, Jaden! I'm glad SOMEONE is saying this! Just imagine how much better dentists would be if they never went to school and just let you get high on laughing gas for hours as they smashed your sore tooth with a wine bottle.
All of you idiots out there who keep INSISTING the answer to every single question anyone asks is “Instagram” have really lost touch with reality. Ever been to a Spanish class? A social media, photo-sharing app is not the answer to a Spanish vocab question. That'd be ridiculous. Twitter is.
Jaden Smith actually turned 15 when he was only 8 years old. He's famous enough that he gets to decide how old he wants to be. All famous people have this power. Blue Ivy is really 33, and George Clooney is rounding 938 this November.
Honestly, I can't believe how fast George is growing. It seems like just a week ago he was only 802.
Apple growers have been struggling to solve this very-real mystery for years. Apparently after World War II, apples got super depressed about the brutality of man and have slowly been losing their flavor ever since.
Some farmers have attempted to cheer them up by stroking them with feathers and showing them all Jack Black's movies, but with little success.
These days, we derive all our nutrients from cellphone radiation and television shows. The most nutritious TV show is sort of surprisingly "Pretty Little Liars" and the least nutritious show is unsurprisingly "Two and a Half Men."
Two hundred years from now, film historians will celebrate the day Leonardo DiCaprio starred in the seminal film that changed the course of our nation forever.
In fact, the film will be so popular that the comparatively mediocre book the masterpiece was “based on” will have been forgotten completely by time.
What? You didn't know "Rugrats" and "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" were documentaries?
The future of media.
I'm, um, pretty sure he's wrong about this one.