Girl Asks Tinder Date For 7-Page Essay About His Penis And He Delivers

by Connor Toole

There are a few strategies you can employ to turn your Tinder matches into something a little more substantial (I'm talking about sex), and while "slowly escalating the conversation" is probably one of the more effective routes, another popular alternative is "saying the most outrageous thing you can."

One Reddit user decided to go down that route after matching with this profile:

Some people might have been dissuaded by the whole "lying about her age" part of the bio, but he was far more concerned with the second half -- largely because it set him up for an impressively blunt opening line:

I'm assuming that when Noelle replied, she thought her request was so absurd that nobody would actually do it.

However, it's clear that she underestimated the lengths some men will go to get laid -- and the steps other guys will take to make it possible.

After the images were posted to Reddit, the most helpful anonymous stranger in the history of the Internet decided that he had nothing better to do with his time than write an essay about another man's penis in the hopes of getting him laid.

You can read the entire thing here, but if you're not interested in an entire essay about the importance of phallic symbolism throughout history, some of the highlights are below:

We start with the aimless rambling every essay writer has employed at some point

...for centuries of time before, these shapes (hereafter referred to as “Phallic forms” due to their striking resemblance to the male member) and their representative bodily shape (the aforementioned male form) have been readily worshipped, utilized, and indeed used to represent power...

Then we transition to Egyptian history

When considering the Obelisk, it is possible to note that whereas the true Phallic Form is curvaceous and rounded, the Egyptian obelisk is sharp and pointed, less indicative of the Phallus as it is a mere act of defiance to the skies...

Yes, we're talking about Plato in an essay about a dick

To answer the deeper question of what this deeper meaning truly is, we must consider the philosophy of Plato’s Forms, which thus far have but been alluded to, not officially drawn out here.

There's no name he won't drop in the pursuit of getting a total stranger some action

Consider, for a moment, Michelangelo's David. Vasari, our most interesting and reliable historian of the Renaissance artists, considered Michelangelo to be the pinnacle of artistic form, with every touch of his brush a stroke of genius, every marble chip removed by his chisel a masterpiece.

It takes him a while, but he finally gets to the point

What more can I ask than for you to experience my representation of defiance to the Gods, my ray of sunshine that I revere as a gift from the daily drudgery, the drive of instinct, the push and pull of the rat race. I bow before you requesting that you do, indeed, as millions of earth’s inhabitants before you, consider my penis worth your while.

Sadly, he could only produce enough BS to fill six pages

Oh, and I did indeed notice that this is only six pages. It’s a bit short. Like my penis. Sorry about that.

After sending the essay over, he received this response that led to an exchange straight of out a cliche porn video:

As of this writing, the man hasn't been able to make any additional progress, but I think everyone involved should be congratulated for a job well done.