As I get older and my body starts to suck at absorbing liquid poison into its bloodstream every week, I start to prefer smoking weed to getting drunk -- mostly because being mad drunk all the time gets way less cute when you're over 24.
Don't get me wrong, getting drunk is obviously amazing. I would have never climbed Mount Everest if I wasn't drunk the whole time, but still, there are some obvious ways weed ends up on top in a substance-abuse cage match as you pack on the years.
I thought of five reasons getting stoned is way better than getting drunk.
1. No hangovers.
When I turned 25, my hangover went from "annoying" to "getting a colonoscopy while wide awake." Now, whenever I get drunk, I have to make sure I have nothing important scheduled for the next day. The trade has become a night of fun for a day where I basically have the flu.
Now, is it worth it? Yes, of course, it is (I love FUN). But being stoned is incredible no matter how old your sh*tty body gets. You can get as high and dumb as you'd like, and the worst thing that happens the next day is you get bored really easily -- OK, and maybe, sort of "very sad" occasionally, but as the old saying goes, "Sadness is better than beer diarrhea."
2. After a certain age, it's more socially acceptable to get super high alone in your house than super drunk.
Now, to be clear, both these things are VERY fun. Take it from me. I am a veteran of both.
But if someone asks you what you did after work last night, and you say, "Oh, I just got stoned out of my mind and watched TV shows about murder," people will laugh and think you're a cool weirdo.
But if you say, "Oh, I just got drunk out of my mind and watched TV shows about murder," people will not laugh. They will call your parents.
3. You're not going to fist fight anyone (unless he or she takes one of your fries).
I admit it. I punched a person in the face while drunk. Don't worry, he was the aggressor and a big dickhead, but righteously, fighting people in the street is only cool when you're 20. After that, you're just a criminal.
I guarantee if I was stoned rather than drunk when he called me uncool homophobic slurs, I would've just gone and eaten a pepperoni pizza because as the old saying goes, "When you're stoned, pizza over politics."
4. You can still be relatively productive.
Now, this has particular relevance to my life as I'm a comedy writer, and weed is to jokes as oxygen is to forest fires, but the fact of the matter is being high relaxes you without completely sapping you of all your faculties. It helps you think creatively and solve problems in new ways.
The only time being drunk helped me solve a problem was when I couldn't figure out how the stove turned on in my house, so I used a toaster on its side to make grilled cheese.
5. It's harder for people to tell if you're high, so you can have lots of "secret fun."
Most people hate being high and going to parties, but I like it. I like to get really high, get a cup of coffee and then walk into a party and not tell anyone I'm high. I treat it like a sort of obstacle course for my mind.
Now, I understand I'm probably alone in enjoying that particular activity, but it'd be very hard for you to hide being drunk around a bunch of people who aren't.
You can get very stoned, just do normal sh*t -- children's birthday parties, grocery shopping, your friend's grotesque, one-man show -- and have a f*cking good time. It can make everyday stuff fun. Plus, as you get older and everyday stuff gets more and more boring, fun is a precious commodity.