Being a woman on the Internet is basically like walking blindfolded through a mine field... while juggling mines.
Take Australian model Emily Sears, for example. She has over 3 million Instagram followers, and is constantly flooded with unsolicited dick pics.
Sears has long made it a point to call out these chicken shits. She even went so far as to post this telling exchange with one follower who seemed genuinely shocked and surprised that she did not send him a bouquet of roses after he sent her a photograph of the thing he pees out of.
But when it comes to dick pic shaming, the internet's magnum opus is surely this post from Sarah-Louise Jordan, where she addresses a man who sent her a picture of his jizz spitter in a very formal rejection letter.
It basically looks like a rejection letter from Hogwarts. But it's for penis pictures.
Let's break it down.
(UPDATE: “Penis portrait” has officially just secured the record for quickest expression to ever be submitted to Urban Dictionary.)
The basic standards of quality control include, but are not limited to 1) not being forced on others and 2) nothing else.
(Actually, wolves do not possess opposable thumbs nor the humanoid instinct to use their sexuality to intimidate and disgust others. They just use “biting to death” for that.)
HELP! I HAVE THIRD-DEGREE BURNS ALL OVER MY BODY.
SERIOUSLY! I NEED HELP. SEND HELP. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. I AM ON FIRE.
It is a joke. I made a joke. If you enjoyed it, you disgust me. Dying by fire is not funny.
You need to take a long look at yourself in the flimsy full-length mirror hanging from the back of your door and grow up.
The post was shared by Twitter user @maellevie, and people are losing it. Here are my two favorite responses to ride out on.
Sarah-Louise Jordan, wherever you are, we salute you.