11 Things Every Girl Does Before Responding To A Text, As Told By 'Alice In Wonderland'

by Ashley Fern

If you think the only person reading your texting conversation is the person you sent it to... you are very sadly mistaken. Gentlemen, there's actually little to no chance that whatever message you just sent will go unread by at least three of a girl's best friends.

I mean, isn't that why group chats and screen shots were invented in the first place?

Texting in this day and age is a whole new game, especially with things such as Instagram and Snapchat getting in the way. Everything seems to have an alternative meaning, regardless if that is true or not...

But he waited 10 minutes, that means he hates me... No, it means he has a life...

But he Snapchatted me this picture... Do you think it was just to me or a massive message? 

Everyone knows that overanalyzing any situation is the fast track to getting sh*t all twisted, but that doesn't stop us from doing it anyway. From having our friends read our conversations for us, to figuring out the perfect response time window -- the over-analysis is very real and it knows no bounds.

If you were ever interested in the satirical take on what a female goes through when answering your text, well then this breakdown is for you.

1. She receives the message, but turns her phone over so as not to read the message prematurely

You know as soon as you read a text, you are going to want to respond to it... so the best thing to do in this case is to ignore the message for as long as you can manage. Flipping your phone over or handing it to the closest person to you will help you resist the urge to open the message too soon.

Sure, this may seem utterly insane, but it happens.

2. Three seconds later, she actually opens the message

What's self-control? Don't ask me. I have no idea and neither do most other women out there. Said females will toy with the idea of opening the message versus waiting, well aware that the former will always win.

It seems you play a game of peekaboo with yourself, but you always cave in because "OMG, he texted me."

3. She proceeds to show it to the closest person to her

WTF does this mean? What's up? Really? That's what you chose to lead with? OK, OK... let me think of any and every excuse I can come up with to make this an acceptable approach. No such luck... let me ask my coworker next to me.

"But he's a guy, what else is he going to say?..."

Is "NMJC U?" an appropriate response to this vague and annoying opener? Life is so hard...

4. Then she screenshots it and sends it to her best guy friends for further elaboration

The only person who can decipher a text from a guy is another guy, and that's what we have our male best friends for! We may think a guy means one thing, but he could mean something entirely different.

Our guy friends bring clarity to a situation we couldn't manage ourselves. Only after that point are we more willing to let an opening like, "What's up?" slide.

5. She then attempts to create the perfect response

How will I answer? Ugh, this message is four lines long... that's too long right? But he asked what was up... that could include so many things. But I guess he doesn't need to know everything that is "up."

I guess I should be vague back? Isn't that how this game is played? Why does it feel as if I'm already losing?

6. Then she consults the group chat for approval from her girl friends

Cue the group texts and screenshots. You've already got everything you needed out of your guy friends, so now it's time to consult the females.

You always have those one or two go-to people whom you ask for advice because they seem to have mastered the game.

Having good texting game is not easy, which is what makes this whole damn process so stressful. For more on what not to do, click here.

7. She proceeds to change her response four different times

Is the exclamation point too much? What about proper punctuation? I don't want him to think I'm an idiot who can't properly throw together a few sentences. Wait are these too many sentences?

What about emojis? Will he get the wrong idea? Will he think I'm a freak? Do I care? The monkey face could mean a million things, it's not my problem if he misinterprets it. Ugh, I wish I didn't even have a texting plan, just kidding...

8. She sits there for 25+ minutes waiting to send it

Anyone who is anyone knows it's basically social suicide to respond to a text within three minutes of receiving it, so you must wait it out.

Sure, this may seem annoying, but it's all part of the game and the goal is to win! So put your adrenaline to use and do some squats while you wait it out.

9. She finally sends it

The moment of truth has arrived. No more contemplating and no more decision-making. Long hair, don't care. Send your message and go about your day. Try not to play out different scenarios in your head. Go do something to distract yourself and if you can't...

10. She erases the entire conversation and pretends it never happened

If you erase something, did it ever really happen? If there is no evidence against you, did the conversation really exist? The entire point of erasing said conversation before a response comes through is that you can act all excited when he texts you again!

11. She reacts accordingly

Is that a vibration you feel? It looks as if he has responded! Look at you, you've really made it, haven't you? He could've ignored you, but he didn't! Rejoice and be prepared to start the entire process over because overanalyzing is a lifestyle.

Happy hunting...