I know what you're thinking,
Summer is almost here, and I'm not gaining weight fast enough.
I know. It's tough. And there are so many contradicting opinions on the matter but don't worry, I am here to help. Through intense research and clinical trials, I've discovered 12 stress-free, surefire ways to gain weight without even trying.
Seriously! No longer do you have to pay hundreds of dollars for weight-gaining classes that cost you an arm and a leg.
You can throw out your copies of "The Dalai Lama's Spiritual Guide To Keeping On Weight" or "The Diet That Helped The Cavemen Stay Heavy."
Just follow these 12 simple steps.
1. Don't cook because cooking is very boring.
Cooking is only fun when competitive children do it on television.
2. When you feel like you should exercise, just don't.
OK, if you're having trouble with this one, let me help: When you think to yourself "I should get a gym membership," just don't.
3. Continue ignoring that bike you got.
This one is very simple. All you have to do is nothing.
4. Eat dinner at home, then go out to dinner with your friends, then get drunk and eat pizza before sleep happens.
This can be tough for a lot of people because you will think you are too full for pizza at the end of the night. If that's the case, you are not drunk enough and you need to step up your game immediately.
5. Drink lots of alcoholic liquids because they make your soul feel good.
This will also help you with step #4. And make you better at Spanish.
6. Get hungover and heal yourself with food.
7. Get bored and entertain yourself with food.
8. Watch a lot of "Criminal Minds."
I dunno, this show just makes me hungry. Maybe it's all the cannibalism.
10. Smoke weed.
There is a chemical compound in marijuana that will make you want to eat, even if you are very full and think you can't eat anymore. It's amazing. This will also help with step #4.
11. Get older.
You see, if you just stay alive for long enough, your body will no longer be good at digesting food quickly and you will gain weight effortlessly!
Cheese is made from the milk of any animal that isn't human, and it can be found in most parts of the world. Eat it. Eat the cheese. It is delicious. It is harder not to eat the cheese than it is to eat the cheese.
If you follow these 12 simple tips, you will achieve all your weight dreams in no time at all.