Heroes walk among us. They do not wear capes. They do not soar through the sky. They do not make us look at their spandex-clad bulges. No. They look just like you and me. And some of them wear backwards hats.
This is the story of a natural orator. In a different time, maybe he could have been a Roman general, a philosopher, the pope. But in our time he is just a man, in an empty room, who is very drunk.
Rarely do we sing the praises of modern heroes as loudly or robustly as we should. But today I shall do my best to rectify our inadequate appreciation.
Meet the protagonist of our story. He found a woman's lost phone at a party and, before returning it, decided to leave an inspiring, uplifting, poetic message for her on it.
Listen for yourself. Try not to cry.
If your keyboard isn't malfunctioning from the waterfall of saltwater squirting out of your eyeballs after watching that, then you are a white walker.
For posterity, I've transcribed his important words below. I expect that historians and poets will be quoting him for years to come.
Hello. I don't know whose phone this is. I just found it ... but, um, you're beautiful. And you will always accomplish whatever your mind thinks it can do. So, if you, um, have a dream, go fulfill it. Go do it. Because you will have it, and you will accomplish, and you will succeed. Everything in this world is not promised, but if you make it promised, it'll be promised. God bless America. God bless you. God bless me. God bless everybody here. You da man. And you know ... HYAAAAA!
I want this passage engraved on my tombstone, and I want there to be a motion sensor connected to a speaker which plays his beautiful bird call yell whenever any one of my loved ones or old rivals comes near.