12 Apple Watch Features That Will Take Being Basic To The Next Level


We've known about the Apple Watch since the company announced it was working on yet another piece of technology we probably don't need back in September, but we didn't have many details until the presentation Apple gave this afternoon.

Tim Cook covered all the features we can expect from The Not Called An iWatch, and considering what he revealed, it's only a matter of time until they're adorning the wrists of the kind of people who bought Google Glass the day it was released.

However, based on what we've seen, there's one other demographic that's going to fall in love with the Watch: basic bitches, also known as the kind of girls who use "Chipotle" as a synonym for "dinner."

Here are the features we think this group is going to like the most:

Incredibly accurate timekeeping to make sure you'll never show up late for your brunch reservation.

The Apple Watch is accurate to "50 milliseconds of the definitive global time standard," which I'm going to assume is impressive.

Now that it's permanently fixed to your wrist and not buried in your pocket or purse, you'll have to think of a pretty creative excuse for showing up late to that cool new restaurant where every drink contains Nutella.

You can monitor your heart rate to check if you're literally dead.

Look at your Apple Watch -- is your pulse more than 0 BPM? Congratulations! You're still alive.

You'll be able to keep track of how many people liked your most recent selfie on Instagram without having to pull out your phone.

You'll have the ability to forward notifications from your phone to your watch, meaning gaining validation from uploading photos online has never been easier.

You'll be able to use the Apple Pay account connected to your parents' credit card.

During the presentation, Whole Foods was used as an example of one of the places you might use your Apple Watch to avoid the torture of swiping a card or, even worse, handling money. GROSS, DIRTY MONEY.

Now all you have to do to pay for whatever ancient grain you've decided is the trendiest is hit a couple of buttons and hold out your wrist. I'm sure Apple is working on a way to pay via blinking, but this will have to do for now.

It's a lot harder to drunkenly drop on the floor, in the toilet or in the backseat of a taxi.

I have no doubts that people will find new and exciting ways to do an incredible amount of accidental damage to the Apple Watch, but having it permanently affixed to your wrist is going to (at least theoretically) make it a lot harder to shatter your screen.

You'll be able to customize it more than your 600-calorie Starbucks order.

In addition to a wide variety of watch faces, you'll also be able to customize the appearance of the home screen in a number of ways -- and let's not forget about the custom cases that will inevitably start popping up on Etsy.

18 hours of battery life ensure you'll be able to order an Uber at any time of night.

There's nothing worse than being stranded on the sidewalk at 3 am and having to flag down a cab like a normal person. Thankfully, the Apple Watch has a battery that lasts the majority of the day.

We don't know if it's going to borrow a feature from the iPhone and turn off without warning after hitting 10 percent, but let's hope that's been left out.

You won't need a nagging mother who says you should work out more -- the Apple Watch will do it for you!

The Apple Watch can track your movement and exercise throughout the day and will even tell you when you've been sitting for too long -- kind of like when Netflix passive aggressively asks if you're still watching.

Who needs to be judged by other people when we have all of this fantastic technology to do it for us?

There's an 18-karat gold model starting at $10,000 if you like being hated by people you've never met.

Are you the worst kind of person? If so, you might want to consider the Edition edition, which is encased in 18-karat gold and starts at an incredibly modest $10,000.

If you've ever wanted to know what it feels like to be hated for no real reason by people who've never met you -- basically, if you want to know what it feels like to be Kim Kardashian -- this is the model for you.

You can use your watch to bug people when they don't respond your texts as quickly as you'd like.

If the guy you've kind of been seeing (but who you're definitely not dating) is taking his time to respond to the four texts you sent asking for his whereabouts, you can use the Digital Touch feature to make his watch buzz.

The future isn't creepy at all.

There's a sports band to match any gym outfit.

In addition to more traditional wristbands, you can choose from sports bands in a variety of colors -- at least one of which is guaranteed to complement the yoga pants you spent way too much money on.

There's no better way to be the most stylish person at SoulCycle.

It's a flashy and overpriced fashion accessory that people won't be able to help but notice.

At the end of the day, isn't that really all that matters?