They say we spend a third of our lives sleeping. And I spend another third with a plate of food in my lap, searching for something to watch while I eat. Not knowing what to watch is the 21st-century version of not knowing what herbs to use to cure your leg gangrene in the 17th century. I'm saying it's hell.
And seeing as today is 420, I thought I'd give you guys a hand.
Through extensive research and countless independent, federally-funded studies, I have come up with the definitive list of the top five things to binge-watch while stoned tonight.
Do not argue with the list. There are many other shows that would work, but this list is flawless.
Why? First of all, because of course. Look, this is a tv show about David "smirk-master" Duchovny and Gillian "I'm a medical doctor" Anderson wearing Tumblr-worthy '90s regalia while they fight sewer monsters and investigate alien coverups. If that sentence doesn't get you jazzed, I'm afraid nothing ever will.
To sweeten the deal, "The X-Files" is sort of like "Law & Order" in that apparently every famous actor appears in at least one episode early in his or her career. Case in point, young Jack Black, as the drunk friend of young Giovanni Ribisi (who plays a real douche with the ability to control lightning).
But, for "being stoned" purposes, I suggest you watch the episodes that don't have to do with aliens. I suggest you watch the one-off episodes about Mulder and Scully going to Maine and f*cking with super-worms or whatever.
Oh, last thing: The will-they-or-wont-they stuff in this show is off the charts. It'll give you emotional blue balls for a century. In a very good way.
2. "The Voice"
OK, I don't care how little you care about shows like this where people of all races sing all songs like they are gospel songs, but when you're high this show becomes more fascinating than watching Julia Roberts laugh (she's the LeBron James of laughing).
There is so much for your brain to do when you're watching "The Voice." First of all, you get constant performances by terrified people trying to make their dreams come true through shout-singing.
Second of all, Adam Levine is the most hatable person on the planet in this show. And hating stuff is super fun when you're high.
Third of all, Carson Daly is the highest paid host on television for his role in this show as "guy who smiles, barely speaks and has dead eyes."
And finally, you round it all off with Pharrell, who I am now convinced is the second coming of Christ.
So hang up your snob-pants (yeah, I don't know why Gap came out with pants that have such a gross name), and watch this show stoned tonight. I guarantee you won't regret it.
Oh, never watch it sober. Never, ever do that.
3. "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" or "30 Rock."
I include these together because they're both made by demigod Tina Fey and because they serve very similar purposes in a stoned-viewing experience.
Both these shows are designed to instantly put you in a good mood, and they follow up that general cheerful vibe with straight up, nonstop PUNS. Tina Fey loves puns and wordplay more than Mario Batali loves his weird, ghostly ponytail. Plus each of these shows has a crazy amount of jokes per minute, so even if 1 percent of the jokes kills you, you will be a very happy high person.
Although "30 Rock" has Tracy Morgan in it and is essentially the best television show ever made. So, just watch that I guess. Unless you've seen the whole series 10 times like I have, then watch Kimmy. There is a new season out. Watch it. Go watch it. Go.
Or just watch "Seinfeld" and "It's Always Sunny In Philidelphia." Yes, these could have their own entry (shows about bad, funny people), but I said it'd be the "Top 5" in the headline, and "Top 6" doesn't sound as good, so f*ck it -- and, while we're at it, f*ck you.
4. "Criminal Minds" or "Bones" or "Castle" or any of those murder shows that are written and directed like they are cute sitcoms about people getting murdered.
This is honestly the obvious choice. There is apparently nothing more relaxing to me than smoking weed and watching a tv show where people solve gruesome and very imaginative murders. The key here is that the show has to be, at its heart, bad. This way, you don't actually care about the people being made into lampshades or whatever and can just enjoy the blood-orgy that is contemporary television.
I'm on the fence about "Law & Order" while stoned. Probably good, but there is the rare episode that can actually make you sad. And sadness is for sober people.
5. Anime. Doesn't matter which show.
First of all, if there was ever a day to watch sexualized drawings swing magical swords at each other while shouting stuff in Japanese, 420 is that day. Anime operates under its own very specific logic (where falling to your knees and pounding the ground 10 times a day is very normal) and fits into the stoned mindset perfectly.
That's reason number one. Reason number two: All the anime on Netflix has subtitles, so you can't just stare at your phone while you watch. It forces your stoned brain to pay attention to what's on the screen, thereby immersing you in wonderful tales of girls in insane outfits stabbing people in the skull. It's like TV Ritalin for stoned ADD.
6. Literally anything.
Weed just makes everything good. I can't think of anything that would not be good to watch while stoned. Oh, nevermind. I thought of it. The news. All of the news. This world is burning.