6 Reasons The 2016 Election Is Really A Cliched High School Movie
The 2016 presidential election has been compared to a lot of things over the past few months: a three-ring circus, a dinner party where everyone hates each other, one of the final signs of the apocalypse and many more.
Being the disillusioned, apathetic and self-loathing political science major I am, I don't make a conscious effort to keep my finger on the pulse of the world's most unnecessarily drawn-out election cycle.
However, working on the Internet means I unconsciously digest the countless stories and pictures that come across my various news feeds over the course of the day. So, after a few months of unintentionally following the election, I've come to one conclusion: We're currently watching an 80s high school movie three decades too late.
It might sound like a stretch, but once you see the parallels, I think you'll have a hard time arguing I'm wrong.
John Hughes wishes he could script this kind of drama.
Donald Trump is the kid with a rich dad who uses bullying as an outlet to disguise his inadequacies.
Closest Parallel: Steff McKee, "Pretty in Pink"
I'm far from the first person to draw a parallel between Donald Trump and the bully in every 80s movie, especially when you consider he was literally the inspiration for the bully in "Back to the Future Part II."
What makes this comparison so fun is just how comically spot on it is -- the sense of entitlement, lack of worldly perspective, feathered hair, goons who do his bidding and constant, repetitive snark complete with a trademark insult. And that only scratches the surface.
We can only hope there will a candidate worthy of standing outside America's window with a boombox over his or her head to remind us who we're really in love with.
Jeb Bush is the younger brother of a more successful sibling and he's just struggling to fit in.
Closest Parallel: Mitch Kramer, "Dazed and Confused"
It can be hard to live up to the reputation of an older sibling, and there's nothing worse than trying to make a name for yourself when other people are automatically going to judge you for what your brother did a few years earlier.
Mitch's sister was a popular cheerleader, and his ultimate goal was to avoid getting spanked with a wooden paddle and maybe to drink some beer before the end of the last day of school.
On the other hand, Jeb's brother was an unpopular president, and the younger Bush's ultimate goal is to avoid getting spanked by the other candidates before the end of the primaries.
Based on how things currently look, Jeb will not be as successful as Mitch was.
If we were talking about high school movies made after the 80s, Jeb is probably the kid who gets asked to move schools after he posts a picture of a gun with a cryptic message on Twitter, but that wasn't as much of a problem back then.
Hillary Clinton is the old person who's just trying to fit in.
Closest Parallel: Drew Barrymore's character in "Never Been Kissed"
I've talked about Hillary Clinton's flagrant attempts to appeal to younger voters on multiple occasions and while I can't fault her for trying to broaden her supporter base, I'm still going to take advantage of every chance I get to make a joke about it.
All Hillary wants is young voters to show up at the very end to give her the kiss she's always dreamed of.
Bernie Sanders is the kid who smokes too much weed and genuinely believes in the benefits of socialism.
Closest Parallel: Slater, "Dazed and Confused"
Bernie would also spend his time playing too much Hacky Sack and walking around the track instead of participating in that day's gym class activity.
Ben Carson is the nerd who doesn't entirely understand how to act in social situations.
Closest Parallel: Dong, "Sixteen Candles"
The header really says it all.
There is an entire cast of adults acting like immature teenagers.
Closest Parallel: Every high school movie ever made
A lot of movies and television shows cast actors in their 20s to play high school juniors and when you consider the amount of bullying, sarcasm and pettiness put on display over the past few months, you realize you've really just been watching a bunch of old people acting like high schoolers.