12 Things We Need To Talk About From 'The Bachelorette' Premiere
It has BEGUN, you guys. We can finally watch all the drama unfold on JoJo's quest to find love. Or, you know, to find the guy who she will ultimately break up with because the success rate of this show is pretty terrible.
The premiere is officially over, and now we've gotta talk about it. SO much happened. SO many weird dudes were vying for JoJo's cool girl heart. Honestly, JoJo's primary concern about how she didn't feel connected to many of the guys was kinda warranted. Maybe I'm just acting too much like JoJo's overprotective best friend, but most of these guys really need to step it up. Except Jordan. If he's not America's frontrunner already, I quit.
But anyway, let's talk about some stuff that happened tonight.
1. That weird advice thing in the beginning.
WTF was that...? That was pretty boring.
The only thing that piqued my interest was that moment when Kaitlyn said she has "regrets" about her experience on the show. KAITLYN, YOUR INSTAGRAM TELLS ME YOU'RE HAPPILY DATING SHAWN BOOTH. STOP DESTROYING THE ILLUSION.
But anyway, yeah. Pretty strange intro. "It's like a yogurt commercial," my editor Emily texted to me.
HOT. Smokin'. Insert fire emoji here.
3. The half-Asian guy with the "Scottish bottom half."
That dude reeeeally wanted JoJo to touch his dick. Bro, nobody's interested. Like, nobody. Especially not JoJo.
Have fun back in the real world.
4. The bad puns.
Good to see this season following in the footsteps of other seasons by thinking puns are cute and witty.
"I think I'm gonna SHAVE IT ... for later." "I'm actually in real estate, too, and I hope by the end of the night, I'll be the one who can take YOU off the market."
No. No. No. Noooo. If I were in JoJo's shoes, I would send home any guy who used a pun on me. Immediately.
Oh, MAN. Wells, you dirty, manipulative dog. How can you expect anyone to compete with All-4-One?
6. How every guy is SUCH a pussy.
Everyone: YOU'RE SO HOT FAPFAPFAPFAP TITS
JoJo: ... chillllll.
7. Those back-to-back first kisses.
Will's super awkward fortune cookie kiss was easily the most uncomfortable thing I've ever seen. But then hot-as-f*ck Jordan saved the day. And then all of America fell deeply, madly in love with him.
8. The Canadian.
There are too many things wrong with this guy. That "Damn, Daniel" reference was so unfortunate. The belly button poking was so awkward (poor Erectile Dysfunction specialist was like "?!? is this some kind of foreigner greeting?"). And his underwear was so, so small. Also, his body was extremely gross. Nothing hot or funny about him at all.
Yet the producers made JoJo keep him anyway. Probably because I'm talking about him right now. Whoops!
9. JoJo acting impressed by "Fur Elise."
LOL, I could play that in 5th grade. Try again.
10. The First Impression rose.
"Olivia got the first impression rose last season, and she got left on an island!" says one guy to make everyone else feel better about how Jordan continues to destroy everyone.
Yeah, but Andi gave Josh the first impression rose a few seasons ago and he won, so.
11. That anti-climactic visitor.
The only purpose this guy served was to remind America that JoJo "puts walls up." Like, "Hey America, this show is real! JoJo gets scared of love just like you!" (I've fallen for it already, Chris Harrison. No need to convince me further.)
TBH, I really hoped it was gonna be her insane ex from last season who showed up. Pretty disappointing when it wasn't.
12. The fact that I only heard "here for the wrong reasons" once.
Here's hoping that all those fight scenes in the previews are actually as exciting as they seem. Oh, and that JoJo finds love, of course.