In case you were wondering, last night was a VERY cool night in the life of Candice Jalili. Why, you ask? First of all, omg so sweet of you to be so interested in my life. Second, well it was because I got to attend the VMAs.
What does going to the VMAs as a non-celebrity guest mean? Well, for starters, they give you free Grey Goose that you get to sip out of a sippy cup. So that rocks. You also get to see a handful of the greatest performers who have ever lived perform live right there in front of you. So, again, that rocks.
But a lot of it is sipping your Grey Goose mixy out of your Madison Square Garden sippy cup while you watch celebrities interact. You see, all of the celebrities sit in one dome that looks like this.
I know, I know... I'm an excellent photographer. But, basically, the point is every famous person you have ever dreamed of meeting is sitting in that one circle. And I just got to sit back, relax and watch them interact.
It was honestly kind of a weird experience. I felt like I was studying this normal group of particularly well-dressed friends interact at a party as if they were aliens or something. But eventually I came to a conclusion: The VMAs are literally just like a Greek life mixer for famous people.
If you're wondering what it's like to be part of the A-list celeb circle, I took the liberty of taking some notes on my observations of the social scene.
Kanye West and Amber Rose were social chairs.
Kanye was sitting front row center and Amber had a seat more toward the back, but there wasn't one person in that section the two of them didn't stop to say hi to. And if they didn't go out of their way to greet people, those people would go out of their way to say hi to them.
While everyone else was sitting around taking selfies and asking the photographers to take another picture of them, Kanye and Amber were the only two people I saw actually get out of their seats to go around and interact with people IRL. Also, they both look like fantastic huggers.
There was one point where no one was standing for Rihanna's first performance. Kanye stood up and demanded everyone stand with him. All of his A-list minions totally obliged. Then he, of course, positively reinforced them by giving them a huge thumbs up when her performance was over.
Britney Spears was that alum who comes back for formal every year and all the younger girls are too scared to tell her she needs to stop.
Britney was sitting front row center, and it was honestly just kind of uncomfortable watching her.
She kind of reminded me of that washed up alum who keeps coming back and getting just as wasted as she did back in college, but it's awkward because now she's old and also she graduated way too long ago to really know any of the younger girls she's partying with.
They gave her the obligatory front row seat because she used to be a legend back in her day, but she sort of just sat there awkwardly.
Hailey Baldwin was that one token freshman who makes the way too long FB album.
Hailey Baldwin was hard to miss. She was literally dressed in a bedazzled bodysuit that glistened every time she moved under the lights. And she was moving a LOT. Why? She was getting so many pics!
She obviously had the advantage of having an in with the cool senior, Kim, since she's friends with her sisters. But boy oh boy, was she on her pic game, stopping for selfies with anyone and everyone.
Remember that freshman girl at formal who spent the entire night either taking snaps for her story or making the older girls stop to pose for a pic with her only so she could upload the longest album of all time tomorrow? Yep, that's Hailey Baldwin.
Alicia Keys was the wise older girl you go to for advice.
Alicia wouldn't really come to people. People would come to her. From Kim to Kanye to Hailey (lol, duh, Hailey needed her pics), everybody took a minute to come up to Alicia Keys. But what was interesting was while the other convos seemed like a few seconds of hugging and fake laughs and maybe a selfie, people would really stand there and talk to Alicia for a while.
You know that senior sober sister who was holding the freshmen's hair back while they puked in the toilet in between complaints about the mean guys they were hooking up with? That's Alicia Keys.
Desiigner was the goofy life of the party who gets a ton of girls even though he's not that hot.
He's scrawny and honestly, in my opinion, was definitely not the hottest guy there (I choose Diddy over him every time). But he's SO COOL AND FUN.
Every time I looked over at him, he was having a blast and a half just dancing by himself (literally, there was a point where his date was talking to Amber Rose and he was just dancing up a storm by himself) with a giant smile on his face. Not only did he have a hot date, but girls kept coming up to him to say hi.
Chance The Rapper was the freshman who got a bid even though he was too cool to rush.
Chance was literally dressed like a khaki Mario so he was hard to miss. But aside from being called "the future" by Kanye, it was obvious celebrities were trying hard to be his friend. What else was obvious? He gave ZERO fucks.
Like, yeah, he was nice and friendly. But he was totally calm and casual as if Diddy fawning over him like a 12-year-old fangirl was just not a big deal at all.
Kim Kardashian West was that senior girl all the underclassmen sucked up to.
While people went to Alicia Keys for long soulful talks, people went to Kim Kardashian for selfies. Or they would just have the photographer guy come over and please take a picture for them.
She was like the hot sorority president (who was also dating the cool social chair of the best frat) everyone just wanted to be seen with.
Jonathan Cheban was that guy who only got invited to the party because his best friend is hot.
I literally forgot his name. This was actually something I had to Google to include him in this article:
But I DID have to include him because I could not stop staring at him. I was like, "Who is that guy in the weird jacket sitting next to Kim???" People would line up to say hi to her, and he'd just sit there twiddling his thumbs like a dork.
Diddy was that fratlord legend all the younger guys wanted to be.
Remember how Britney came back and it was, like, kind of pathetic and sad? Well, it was the total opposite for Diddy.
He came back and just totally embraced the role of legend that even the biggest superstars (*cough*cough* Kanye) fangirled over.
Amber Rose and her date were that couple who took coordinating their outfits way too seriously.
UGH, I couldn't find a picture for you guys but she was with a guy who had the SAME HAIR as her.
Jaden Smith was that kid who was weird in high school and finally got accepted by the cool kids in college.
He has the sort of next-level confidence of that kid who was super weird in high school just because he was different, and in high school being different automatically translates to being weird.
But he knows the sort of different that's actually so dope, and now he's made it to the big times, and everyone loves him. He just sort of stood around looking super chill and cool.
Beyoncé was that really cool girl who hardly goes out, but when she does it's the best party ever.
She wasn't even sitting in the section with the other celebrities. But the minute she got on the stage, they all went nuts.
ALL HAIL QUEEN.