Last week was a BIG week for celebrity penises. I would go as far as to say it was the most memorable week for celebrity penises our society has ever seen.
It was like VE Day or the World's Fair, except instead of national pride over winning World War II or taking American technology into the next century, we were just gifted with a boatload of honkin' celeb low hangers.
It all started last Wednesday when pictures surfaced of Orlando Bloom paddle boarding with Katy Perry and his flat out DYUCK.
Honestly, I'm a big fan of Orlando's penis. It's very vacation-y. It looks like a chill penis, one you wouldn't mind having a low-key beer with at an island cabana.
Two days later, the internet was assaulted with another unsheathed celeb peener, this time from the (large) hands of everyone's least favorite cousin from the North.
Cool, thanks for that, Biebs. You and your angry hog are the thing of nightmares. Your shlong looks like it has a friend Bonesaw, listens exclusively to Creed and brags about how it knows how to use nunchucks.
Anyone else kind of weirded out by this? I'm not talking about getting weirded out by two flesh tubes being paraded without an NSFW warning on our Twitter feeds; I'm talking about the timeline of them being released.
It's not completely rare to be graced with celeb dick-slips, they happen all the time. Hell, I literally work in an industry that's at least 3 percent devoted to them. To be graced with two unrelated (aka, not part of the same nude hack) peen leaks in alternating days seems extreme.
It gets weirder when you take into account Justin and Orlando have previous beef.
It all started back in 2012, when Bieber was linked to Orlando's ex-wife, Miranda Kerr. A little while later, Bloom was reportedly hanging out with Bieber's “long-term white whale,” Selena Gomez.
The rivalry came to a head at Cipriani's one night in 2014 when the two reportedly got into a fight after Justin allegedly yelled something to the effect of, “I've had sex with your ol' wife.”
A few hours after the fight, Justin also allegedly posted a picture of Miranda Kerr to his Instagram before immediately deleting it.
Cut to 2016, and it looks like Justin may still have some bad blood coursing through his penis veins that he needs to air out.
*Yells at school yard.* PENIS-OFF! WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PENIS-OFF!!!!
I'm calling it right now: Justin saw Orlando on his naked paddle board vacation, told his publicist to stage him some peener picture and did some pre-shoot fluffin' to try and out-dong Orlando.
It's such a dumb bro move, but c'monn, it's CLASSIC Bieber. Him seeing Orlando's pic and yelling, "OH! EFF THAT, EH! I CAN BE WAY MORE PENIS-Y THAN HE IS! BABE, GET IN THE CAR! LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES AT HOME!" is 100,000 percent plausible.
Sooooooo, anything you wanna tell us, Justin?