SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! GET YOUR TICKETS NOW! KING CAIRO'S BIRTHDAY SLAMFEST IS SUNDAY, AND YOU KNOW PEOPLE IN ATTENDANCE WILL BE THROWING DOWN.
I don't watch wrestling. My parents never allowed it, and by the time I thought about getting into it, I figured it would have been weird because I was already 25 and not working in construction or at Pizza Hut.
So for me, King Cairo's birthday is SummerSlam. It's my WrestleMania. It's my Ring of Fire. It's everything you could possibly want in a pop culture pressure cooker.
It's an honest-to-god perfect storm of egos and situation that will no doubt lead to some massive blowout happening.
Blac Chyna is pregnant, Kim was just robbed in France, Rob has been all over the damn place and Kylie is still going out with Chyna's ex-fiancé and shared parent over King Cairo, a point illustrated in this confusing chart I made a while back.
Let's break down the odds on who may throw down during King Cairo's birthday celebration.
Rob vs. Chyna
This is one of the more obvious choices. Rob and Angela have been fighting since they became serious. Chyna thinks Rob is sleeping around, and they both clearly resent the fact he's been forced to do another reality show.
Throw-down Odds: 1:2
This will likely happen. If cameras are there, I guarantee they fight or Rob just doesn't show up.
Kylie and Tyga vs. Chyna
This one will never get old. Basically, Chyna and Tyga used to be engaged. They had King Cairo and then ended up breaking things off. Tyga and Kylie started going out, and Rob, who is Kylie's half sister, got engaged to Blac Chyna after getting her pregnant.
Basically, it's a massive drama-ripe mess.
Throw-down Odds: 1:25
I don't see this becoming an issue. Kylie and Chyna's beef was long ago squashed. I doubt THIS event becomes the event that ruins their truce. It's going to take something much bigger to derail what they've got going on.
Kim Kardashian vs. Social Media Break
Kim has been next to AWOL since the Paris robbery. She hasn't spoken to the press yet and hasn't updated her social media in weeks, both of which are beyond uncharacteristic for one of the most media-dominant people in the world.
The silence has to end, though, and it could very well come to that at King Cairo's birthday.
Throw-down Odds: 1:5
The best we can hope for is she makes a cameo in the background of someone else's Snapchat, which is entirely possible. She's not going to upload anything to her own account, and I'm sure the family knows not to take any selfies with her, but mistakes happen.
Rob vs. Rest of family
Rob has been on the outs with the family since he got engaged to Chyna. He hates "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and reportedly kept dodging "Rob & Chyna" cameras whenever he was able.
The whole family will probably be together for King Cairo's birthday (right?), which -- and you know this if you've been to any family event ever -- will very well lead to a blowup.
Throw-down Odds: 1:4
There is a solid chance this will happen. Rob probably will have a moment to himself before the event where he tells himself to be calm. That will last for 45 minutes before someone makes some dumb comment about ratings or something and he loses it or just walks away.
Blac Chyna vs. Kris Jenner
I don't know, I feel like these two just don't get along. I have nothing to back that statement up, but I think Kris sort of resents Blac Chyna for taking some of the buzz away from her daughters or for kind of stealing Rob away.
Throw-down Odds: 1:100
Meh, this is more of a pipe dream than anything.
Blac Chyna vs. Pregnancy
Blac Chyna has been pregnant for what seems like five and a half years now.
Throw-down Odds: 1:1
DIS BABY IS COMING OUT ON SUNDAY! That is a gold-star guarantee.
All this pressure, plus the fact I'm CONVINCED Blac Chyna is looking to make her birth into a massive scene, will lead to this baby shooting out of Angela's uterus right after the cake is served and right before the gifts are opened.