I truly believe Chris Pratt is the perfect man -- he's funny, talented and extremely good-looking.
He also has a great wife and family. Sounds like the entire package, am I right?
Well today, every preconceived notion I had about the 37-year-old actor fell to pieces. My heart is shattered. My lady boner is destroyed. I don't even know who I am anymore.
You see, Chris Pratt is the latest star to be featured on the cover of Vanity Fair. Exciting, right? Wrong.
The man seductively posed with Earth, wind, water and fire like some "god of the elements," and it's too awkward for me to ever look at him the same way again.
I'M NOT EXAGGERATING. THE PICS ARE BADDDDDDDDDDD.
In the featured photos, Chris looks like the floating head of a Loch Ness Monster. He's standing tall in the middle of the sea with only his bare shoulders and head showing.
I know some of you are like, "Shut the fuck up. He's naked in water. It's HOT. He's HOT. Get your eyes fixed, fatty."
But try to see things from my side. If you stand back and squint, Chris Pratt looks like a gopher popping his head out of a tunnel.
He reminds me of a broken whack-a-mole game at a children's carnival, but instead of the mole trying to hide from you, it just stands there... staring.
Chris Pratt also posed beside a fire, and don't you dare try to tell me it's not weird.
He's literally about to burn his fingers off. The man is not OK. This is a cry for help.
It looks like people are split on how they feel. Some people want to romantically dive into the water and drown with him. Others think it's not as good as previous Vanity Fair covers.
Either way, this isn't the first time Chris Pratt has posed in water for cover shoots. The man's a fan of the ocean, whether we like it or not.
You do you, I guess!