51 Thoughts About Leaving A Tinder Date Gone Horribly Wrong
Look, sometimes, things on Tinder get weird.
You started swiping because you're drunk, your intoxicated thumb accidentally hits "super like," and before you know what you're doing, you've agreed to a date with someone named Kurt who loves "pumping iron" and "pounding cold ones."
And while ghosting is an option, recently, you've been told that your serial ghosting habit is unhealthy, and you took an internet quiz basically came out and said you're a judgmental, little snob who never gives anyone a chance!
So you silence your gut instinct that is telling you, "Please for the love of God say you have a dentist appointment and raincheck for never," and you show up to grab that drink... and soon realize you made a huge mistake.
Here are all the thoughts you're having when you're trying to figure out how to GTFO of your Tinder date, pronto:
1. Why did I agree to meet with someone whose Tinder profile picture is a dog meme?
2. Oh, right, because the dog was cute. LOL, look, it's wearing sunglasses!
3. If he has great taste in memes, maybe we'll click in other ways, right? Dating is about having an open mind, right?
4. I think that must be him coming in now.
5. OK, this man is wearing Willie Nelson pigtails.
6. And he's carrying a stuffed animal with him. Not a plushy, but like, an actual stuffed animal. Is that... is that a taxidermy rat?
7. What should I do? Should I hide under the table?
8. Maybe he won't recognize me from my Tinder profile pic.
9. Nope, he definitely recognized me. He's coming this way. Maybe I should do something to make him decide to bail, like, I don't know, speak in a Mickey Mouse voice or just immediately start screaming? Or tell him you have some horrible disease!
10. "Hey, you probably don't want to come too close. I've got a case of head lice, and they are just raging today."
11. Dear lord, he's nodding appreciatively and saying, "Right on." Who does that?
12. He's ordering a drink and he's getting me one, too. Hey, I guess if he's the one paying...
13. Stop that, you are not going to sit through an entire date with this man and his dead rat.
14. "So, where did you get your rat?"
16. He's on his way from taxidermy class. See, that's interesting! The rat's name is Belinda.
17. No, self, I am not allowing you to do this to me again. You need to GTFO of your Tinder date, like, now. It's not going to be like last week when you sat through an entire two hours with that venture capitalist who explained the entire plot of The Fountainhead.
18. You need to go home right now. Just stand up, set down your drink, go to the bathroom, and crawl out the window like your mother taught you.
19. He's asking me what I do for money. Quick, make something up, so he won't ever be able to find you again.
20. "Space lawyer."
21. OK, I did not know that there were laws in space, but at least he won't be able to find your LinkedIn profile. Good job, self.
22. What's this? He's asking if I have any legal advice that could help him prepare for when the Annunaki return to rule us.
24. Say something!
25. "I'm not familiar with that particular life form."
26. Oh, Jesus, now he's mansplaining the Annunaki to me. Settle in for the snooze-fest.
27. Wow, he says the Annunaki date back to ancient Mesopotamia, and apparently, the Pentagon has been planning for their return for their last decade.
28. OK, now he's insinuating that I should know that if I were a real space lawyer. I'm so tired of my professionalism being questioned all the time.
29. So what if I'm not an attorney? I could have been! I need to say something to defend myself, and then, I am walking out in a huff. A HUFF, you hear?!
30. "Well, actually, space law deals more in Mars exploration and space ship... stuff."
31. Wow, you actually hit a mansplainer with the "Well, actually." Great job, self.
32. He did not just "Well, actually" back to me! Now he's explaining my own fake job to me?
33. I liked him better when it was just the rat.
34. Oh, good. The drinks are coming. Maybe I'll just stay for one...
35. Nope, apparently both of those drinks are for him.
36. OK, I've really got to get out of here. What to do, what to do?
37. I know! I'll text a friend and ask them to call me and pretend they're having an emergency. Classic evasion tactic!
38. Sh*t, my phone is dead.
39. Is this about to turn into some kind of horror movie where I end up chopped into little bitty pieces as an offer to the Annunaki, or will I be taxidermied like Belinda over here?
40. This is it, I've really got to go. I'll just tell him I have to show up for space court tomorrow, and I'm really tired.
41. Oh, no, he's insisting on walking me home. He's actually following me out the door. Could it be that "chivalry" is just an excuse for men to act like absolute weirdo creeps and ignore your boundaries?
42. Just walk in silence. For the next two dozen blocks.
44. Huh, apparently it doesn't matter if I respond or not. This guy just loves to talk.
45. I guess alien theory does sound kind of interesting.
46. No! Do not ask him to elaborate on that alien abduction incident he mentioned in Chile! Keep those lips closed!
48. Finally, I can see my apartment in sight. And hopefully, he doesn't climb up the fire escape later and abduct me. Time to make a graceful exit, decline giving my number, and never ever contact this person again.
49. No, no, no. He's leaning in for a kiss. Make it stop!
50. "Welp, I've really gotta poop. Growing a tail here. Bye!"
51. That was close.