I claim I've always been single. I rock my self-imposed title of being a perpetually single girl and carry it around with me like a trophy I worked oh-so-hard to earn.
From a technical standpoint, I've been single my entire life. I've never had a boyfriend and never been called anyone's girlfriend. I've never brought a guy home to meet my parents and never been the type of girl guys take home to theirs. Things have never progressed to a point of being in an exclusive relationship. I've never even had the privilege of changing my relationship status on Facebook.
Although I've never been in a real relationship before, I've never been completely alone.
There has always been some sort of guy present in my life, such as summer flings, almost-relationships, "just friends," long-distance "things" and (my favorite) "What the hell is even going on?" type of affairs. At every stage of my life, there has always been some sort of guy lingering.
Even though I've been "alone" up until now, I have never really just been on my own. In a strange way, my life always seems to revolve around relationships and dating, despite my permanent single girl status.
Maybe it's because I've always wanted a romantic relationship so badly. I put too much unnecessary pressure on these situations and somehow ruin things before they ever have a chance to begin. I constantly find myself trying too hard to make things work and usually with the wrong kinds of people.
Or maybe, it's because I've always blamed myself for this all. I hate myself for never being able to seal the deal with any of these potential suitors. I constantly blame myself for the destruction of these failed relationships because in the end, it always points back to me. Right?
But, I came to the conclusion the other day that I'm ready.
I'm fully ready to be on my own. I'm ready to stop morphing my entire world around the idea of a relationship. I'm ready to stop focusing all my time and attention on stupid boys and their antics. I'm ready to stop overthinking everything that has led me to this perpetually single state.
In a normal day, most of my conversations revolve around dating. If I'm not talking about dating, I'm thinking about it. If I'm not thinking about it, I'm writing about it. And when I'm not writing about it, I'm reading about it.
I've become completely obsessed with the notion of relationships and guys. And truthfully, I think we all have.
Everywhere we turn, reminders of relationships and dating exist. It seems near impossible to escape the unnerving thought of them. With every corner we turn, every conversation we have and every advertisement we see, relationships are everywhere.
From a young age, we are taught one day we will grow up and meet the "man of our dreams." We're persuaded that very moment will happen on the "best day of our lives." Our chase for that fairytale ending never really seems to end.
Who can blame us for getting so caught up in it all?
This whole idea is magnified when we're single. We find ourselves constantly reminiscing about the lack of a significant other present in our worlds. We try to decipher why we have been given this fate, while it seems everyone else has already gotten it all figured out.
It's really no wonder why single people struggle with their statuses. Being single appears looked down upon, when in reality, we should be commended for our ability to hand life on our own.
And for what it's worth, I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, just because I don't have a man by my side. I'm tired of people constantly asking me, “How are you still single?” I'm tired of hating myself due to the lack of interest from guys. It's exhausting trying to keep up with the unfair standards society has placed upon us.
Truthfully, I'm just sick and tired about caring and thinking too much about a fantasy idea of a relationship I've subconsciously created in my head.
Now, I need to start putting myself first and focus on things other than relationships. I need to stop spinning my life around the idea of something that may never come. Even more importantly, I need to quit putting my happiness in the hands of others.
I truly believe it's time for me to start concentrating on building a stable life for myself. I want to find happiness on my own terms. I want to find contentment for myself because I deserve it just as much as everyone else around me.
I've reached the stage where I need to be completely on my own. I want to cut out all those lingering guys and forget about all the guys who have clearly forgotten about me. It's time to finally leave the past where it belongs. I need to begin focusing my attention and energy on my future, one that only caters to my own wants and needs.
It's about time I live up to my name of being a perpetually single girl and actually start living this life on my own.