If You're Single, Your Life Is Always Going One Of These Two Ways

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I've been single for the large majority of my life. And when I say large, I mean LARGE. Like my entire 23 years of life with the exception of two months in seventh grade.

Yeah, so you could say I know a thing or two about being single.

If being single was an art, I would be Picasso. If being single was a science, I would be Einstein. If being single was a fashion, I would be Chanel. If being single was a film, I would be Scorsese. You get the picture. I'm good at being single.

Being "good at being single" takes a couple of important skills. The first one is obvious. You have to like yourself. In fact, I would go so far as to say you have to love yourself. You have to know how to be happy on your own and, beyond that, genuinely enjoy the time you spend with yourself.

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That one's obvious and there are probably a million inspirational Pinterests and Instagrams echoing my sentiment.

But the next one is a little more complex. It takes years and years as a real OG veteran in the single game to truly master it. Well, "master it" probably isn't the right word. No, it takes years and years to truly understand it. You have to understand your dating life as a single person will always be going one of two ways.

If being single was a science, I would be Einstein.

The first way has you literally swimming in a sea of possibility. I'm talking dates every night of every week, texting multiple guys (or girls... whatever you're into, homie) at once and feeling like you are literally the hottest human being to have ever walked this planet every time you set foot in any bar or party or grocery store or gym or subway or literally ANY public location.

Simply put, you're pulling. And you're pulling hard.

I have a few theories about this stage and I'll share with you my most plausible one. I think it all starts with one fun night out. Usually, this fun night has come about when you have literally given up on men completely (again, or women) and decided to just be an absolute freak with your friends.

You're doing weird dance moves, you're obnoxiously singing at the top of your lungs, you're falling flat on your face a few more times than socially acceptable, you're playing some not-so-cool music at the DJ booth and your only interaction with guys is really just to mess with them. You know, a nuggie here, a limbo contest there. Meeting someone is really not a top priority on your list, you're just having fun.

But something about that zero fucks cool attitude -- as about a million different people will tell you -- suddenly makes you the most attractive person at the bar (weird dance moves and all). So you start getting numbers left and right. Maybe you even get a makeout.

All of the sudden, you are back in the game. It's like that one night out suddenly reminded you that men do, in fact, exist. This, along with the newfound knowledge that you are not, in fact, asexual, keeps the streak alive.

You literally cannot stop pulling. You feel like Lil Weezy texting all your bitches at the same time, lining up dates left and right (because Weezy totally takes his dates out to dinner and a movie).

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One of these many prospects or "bitches," as I called them earlier, might end up working out and being the real deal. In that case, wahoo! Congratulations! You found love in a hopeless place! Go, you!

But if you're a perpetually single person like myself, it will take a different turn. What will happen is it will eventually fade out. One by one, the prospects will slowly fizzle out. Maybe one of them is too skinny for you. Or the other one texts too much. Or that one guy can't commit to a date. Or the one guy you actually like doesn't even live here.

Life and your pickiness start to get in the way. And, most of all, you start getting a little scared and overwhelmed. All this dating is too much. You just want to go back to your "me time" and hang out with yourself or third wheel your best friend and her boyfriend.

So your options start to dwindle and you sort of just sit back and let them do so until you become so single and celibate that you might as well be a nun. Sure, there might be one guy from the glory days when you were pulling extra hard who you text from time to time when you're bored. Or maybe you start focusing a weird amount of attention on your work crush.

But, for most intents and purposes, you are totally and completely single. It's a weird sort of single that you get used to. It becomes a way of life to the point where the possibility of dating becomes sort of scary. You can't remember the last time you shaved your legs, let alone had a man touch them. If being totally and completely solitarily single was an Olympic sport, you'd be the gold medalist.

You can't remember the last time you shaved your legs, let alone had a man touch them.

Until you go out one night and pull like crazy and the whole cycle starts all over again.