How To Tell A Guy You Want To Start Using Sex Toys In Bed Without Bruising His Ego

by Sean Abrams

Keep Calm And Ask A Gay

Congratulations! You just got yourself a gay best friend.

If you've ever found yourself unsure of where to turn in times of sexual strife, or if you're just curious about the LGBT scene in general but don't have anyone to ask, you're in luck.

If you have a question for me, send it over to

I've been trying to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband. Incorporating sex toys has crossed my mind, but I'm not sure how he'll handle it. How should I approach this tactic without scaring him away?

— Sarah, 28, straight

Well, first, hats off to you for not allowing your sex life to crumble into nothingness.

If you sense some redundancy or even a slight rough patch, at least you're doing something about it.

If you're looking to spice things up (aside from something as basic as trying a new position), attempting to incorporate toys into your bedroom playtime is a typical thing to do.

Toys are used all the time, whether going solo or with a partner, so don't consider it outside then norm. I understand the hesitancy when it comes to bringing it up to your husband.

Speaking as a man (even if I'm into them), we can be a little pompous.

We're hard-headed, possessive, and don't want to feel like we're inadequate — especially in the bedroom. If a man's penis is the sole purpose of your pleasure, the mere concept of something filling in as a substitute is a serious hit to their ego.

What men don't get is a toy, whether it's a dildo, vibrator or some silicone phallic-shaped invention, will act as just another object of pleasure.

It'll be an addition, not a replacement.

It's important to explain that your husband and have him understand that his openness to the whole situation would act as a turn-on.

If he's afraid of compromising his manhood, help him to grasp the concept that nothing will ever, ever replace that thing between his legs.

Who knows, whatever toy you end up assimilating into your sex life may end up bringing him some pleasure, too.

Then, it'd be a win-win situation for all parties involved.

I met a guy at a club and we really seemed to hit it off, but we still haven't had sex. We talk a lot and we've fooled around, but I don't think it needs to be sexual. Maybe it's because we both seem to be tops, but neither of us has initiated trying. Should I bring it up or just let it turn into a friendship?

— Richard, 23, gay

Even though you've had a glimpse of his penis, it doesn't exactly seem like there's this innate sexual connection.

Allowing it to drift more into the friendship zone wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, so I wouldn't force anything more if it doesn't seem natural.

Speaking from personal experience, a completely platonic gay friendship can be hard to find, so don't take it for granted. If you're hanging out with this guy, don't feel like making out is a requirement.

If you say you enjoy a good conversation, then savor that and instead of thinking about his lips, focus on the actual words coming out of his mouth.

I'm not sure if you've verbally discussed the whole top and bottom situation, but if you think that is going to cause conflict any further down the road, you're better off not getting into that mess.

Versatility is always a big thing in my eyes, but if either of you are stubborn about what position you're taking in the bedroom, this is already a sign of butting heads if you both seem like you'd just give and not receive.

In that case, the best resolution is forget the sexual stuff.

Make the most of your encounter and be grateful you have a guy in your life you can chat with about other gay things.

Just keep your clothes on while you're doing it. That's all.