The only thing I hate more fiercely than sleeping in bae's childhood bedroom is having sex in bae's childhood bed.
I'm wildly disturbed by the angsty teen band posters, and my brain just can't help but circle back to dark images of bae as a child.
I don't want to imagine bae as a child. I want to imagine bae as my fierce, hot ADULT lover. My grown-up other half who slays on the job and pays the bills on time.
However, the fucking holidays kill me every year. I'm always forced to sleep at bae's parent's house, which means sleeping in bae's childhood bedroom.
And the thought of bae's parents hearing us have SEX is so traumatizing, I can feel a stress rash breaking out across my chest. Parents and sexuality don't mix, kittens.
Parents and sexuality don't mix.
But my love of sex trumps my fear of being heard having it.
Having sex in bae's parent's house is a necessary evil because, you know, I could be at bae's house for a week this holiday season. And I'm a horn-dog, baby. It's no secret that if I don't have sex at least three times a week, I become vicious and nasty to my friends and coworkers.
It's not good for anyone.
So here's how to have sex quietly at bae's parent's house so you don't end up freaking them out and sending them into cardiac arrest.
Position 1: Oral sex with a tie to stifle the moans
This is like regular, lovely, wonderful oral sex... except you grab a tie (or a shirt, babe! Whatever works!) and wrap it around bae's mouth so it stifles their moans.
Because good oral always comes with moans.
Position 2: Getting back in the closet, baby
If you're gay, straight, bi or fluid, this is a really great way to have sex in bae's parents house. You just have a good old fashioned sex romp, in the closet.
No one can hear your screams in the closet. Trust me, I'm gay. I spent a decade in the closet and no one heard my screams of despair.
And if you are gay too, getting back in the closet and having amazing sex is like having a ~reparative experience~, you know?
Position 3: Mutual masturbation
Look, you can't stop a bed from creaking, OK? No matter how quiet you are vocally, the bed is going to creak and it will be weird.
However, I have a solution. MUTUAL MASTURBATION, baby!
It's sexy to watch bae masturbate! It brings back memories of being new to sexuality, when everything was shiny and forbidden. And what's forbidden is always sexy.
Position 4: Low-key spooning sex
OK, so sex is noisy, as I said earlier in this piece.
HOWEVER, spooning sex is quiet. Your partner can just stick it in, and you don't really have to move around a whole lot.
It's great for the lazy lover, and it's great when you're in the creaky antique bed at bae's family home!
Position 5: Hand jobs and fingering
Oral is risky because oral can be extremely, jarringly noisy, but you know what's quiet but also makes you come? Hand jobs and fingering!
It's like high school all over again, only better because you know what the hell you're doing.
Postion 6: Missionary
As long as you don't CRAZY and fast with it, missionary can be very discreet. It's not deemed basic for nothing, honey! Just go slow.
That's it, kittens! Have fun sexing it up over the holidays at bae's family home. Just remember to be QUIET or you will traumatize the whole family and alienate yourself. And I want better than that for you, because I love you.