I have a confession to make: I don't like having sex in my significant other's childhood bedroom — it creeps me out.
Whenever I see the angsty, teen band posters fastened to the wall, I feel like a sexual predator having sex with a teenager. When I see photos of them with their pimply foreheads and greasy hair, I want to vomit. When I think of them as angst-ridden brats, I also want to vomit.
You know, we'll just say the whole thing is pretty vomit-inducing for me.
Truth be told, I just don't really like anything that humanizes my partner (one of my many problems).
I like to make believe my partner was born a full grownup with a savings account and a spotless apartment with a cleaning lady. It's probably one of the many reasons I go for older women.
I like to make believe that my partner was born a full throttle grown up with a savings account.
But alas, even the eldest of women I've dated, for better or for worse, had a childhood. And unfortunately, I'm forced to confront their childhood memories. (I bet I'll puke three times while writing this.)
So here is the emotional roller coaster everyone experiences when sleeping in their SO's childhood bedroom for the first time (maybe this weekend for Thanksgiving?).
Take some Dramamine, babes, because this is going to be a bumpy AF ride:
1. Why are these sheets LEOPARD PRINT?
2. And why are they so incredibly soft?
3. They're so incredibly soft because they're 15 goddamn years old. They're probably full of dust, too. Ew.
4. Bae has probably been sleeping on these sheets since bae was 15 — A TEEN.
5. I wonder if bae was hot when they were 15....
7. Oh, bae's hand on my leg feels pretty good. They definitely have the magic touch. I'll just shut my eyes so I don't have to see the massive Limp Bizkit poster taped to the ceiling.
8. God, I would've never fucked bae in high school. Bae listened to Limp Bizkit. How lame! I would've been way more popular and edgier than bae in high school.
9. Aaaaand now, we're having sex!
10. Keeping my eyes shut, keeping my eyes shut, KEEPING MY EYES SHUT.
11. Was the poster really Limp Bizkit? Maybe it was someone cooler. Maybe it was David Bowie, and I just imagined Limp Bizkit because I fear Limp Bizkit. Gag.
12. I'm going to make bae get on top so I can get another glimpse of the poster. Bae is such a pillow princess anyway, so it's time they got on top.
13. Holy shit. It's not Limp Bizkit. It's Björk.
14. I love Björk!
15. But wait, bae — my bae — listens to BJÖRK? How did I not know this? Do I not know anything?
16. I wonder what it would be like to have sex with Björk?
17. I wonder what kind of crazy dolphin sounds Björk would make during sex? I feel like it would be like having sex with a unicorn.
18. OK, I can't look at this damn poster anymore. I'm having dirty thoughts about Björk, and it feels very confusing.
19. Let's do doggy style — bae loves doggy style! Ugh, anything to get Björk out of my brain.
20. Of course, now, I'm staring at a life-sized poster of Angelina Jolie dressed as Lara Croft.
21. I KNEW BAE PREFERRED BRUNETTES WITH HUGE LIPS.
22. Fuck bae. I'm dumping bae's ass as soon as we're done having sex. It's clear I'm not their type.
23. Holy shit, why am I freaking out? It's just a poster from high school. People evolve once they're out of high school.
24. I guess I'll never fulfill bae's high school fantasy.
25. This is kind of depressing.
26. But not as depressing as the stuffed animal I just saw in the corner. It only had one eyeball.
27. Ugh, I'm just going to have to fake an orgasm so I can get this nightmare over with.